Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Another Christmas, another year gone by. Although I don't remember making the decision just "go with the flow" in 2012, that somehow became the mantra, in the hope that if no plans were made, there would be no expectations and hence no disappointment. Perhaps I had given up wanting thought I would probably be happier if I resigned myself to acceptance. Perhaps this was growing up.

So for a good part of the year, I relinquished any control I had over work and Life and left it up to the powers that be to do right by me. There were somethings that were overdue that that finally came through and I am thankful for that and when it happened, it almost had me convinced that this was the way to go. After all, it really is a lot of effort to fight this vortex that is Life, that, at its best is a swirling, whirling mess of confusion and at its worst, a violent storm of angst and self-loathing. Is it really natural or even necessary to try and tame such a force of nature? Wouldn't that be ruining The Plan for you?

I think that is the kind of stupid you have to become in order to wise up.

There was no miraculous liberation from expectations. If anything, I had to pin my hopes on everyone else whose hands my future lay in. The constant speculation about what they were thinking about, if they would do anything and what every action or inaction implied and how that reflects what they may or may not think about me was nothing short of despairing. And that sense of helplessness manifested in almost constant moaning and whinging that got on my own nerves so I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for the very people who were deciding my fate. What a wretched way to live.

It's time to get back to being that crazy chick who drives herself right into the eye of the storm because she knows that only the rush of hurricane-speed winds will take her to the dizzying heights that is what makes Life worth living. And making sure that touchdown is at a chilled out beach town in a hut right next to the seafood shack is the zen at the heart of the adventure.

It's time to gear up and go ; )