sometimes when you're just waking up from the sweetest dream and in that two or three seconds you really wonder if it did happen.. and before you even open your eyes there is a goofy smile on your face.
then the good old brain starts waking up.. and the smile becomes a little wistful.. and you wish it was all true and beautiful.
and you start thinking.. and you realise then that even if it were all guaranteed to be exactly as it was in the dream, it would not have been enough for you to let it happen..
how do you describe that look?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Sobriety
I need to stop drinking. Alcohol tolerance is too high and its getting expensive to get drunk. and need to find places that serve stronger stuff... goodness... 3 shots and no high... this is in addition to 4 cocktails... bummer. the stuff is so weak its embarassing.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Please go watch sin city
i have never had a movie blow my mind away like that... its got the romance of film noir and the era, the good ol' macho-hero attitude that i love, everyone is clear about their motivation, a healthy dose of good vs evil and splattered blood and gore.. and man when he ripped his balls off... it looked fucking painful i'll tell ya.
and yet in the clarity of the plot and each character's throughline, i was always confused. do i laugh, cringe or cry at the same thing?
and yet in the clarity of the plot and each character's throughline, i was always confused. do i laugh, cringe or cry at the same thing?
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
revisiting old times
Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
-John Mayer
I miss songs with lyrics :) they're somehow more.. specific,less gut but no less real. also less anonymous.
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me
-John Mayer
I miss songs with lyrics :) they're somehow more.. specific,less gut but no less real. also less anonymous.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Lately...
Feels a little chilly...
a little english..
reminiscing...
Won't you feel weird not coming back to uni this September?
a little english..
reminiscing...
Won't you feel weird not coming back to uni this September?
Monday, July 18, 2005
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow never comes, what kind of a fool do you take me for?
- a line from Bugsy Malone
So I will
not slack
make a list of my task
finish it
ask for more.
Its about time i got my ass moving.
and for everyone who's reading my blog, i suspect that the following entries will be full of pep talk to myself so its alright if you dont wanna come back for that shit everyday. I forgive u ; )
- a line from Bugsy Malone
So I will
not slack
make a list of my task
finish it
ask for more.
Its about time i got my ass moving.
and for everyone who's reading my blog, i suspect that the following entries will be full of pep talk to myself so its alright if you dont wanna come back for that shit everyday. I forgive u ; )
'Hey, you alright?' 'Yeah, i am, but you're not'
Lose yourself.
Not to lose your identity but to become
the thumping beat
the electric energy
the mourning in the singers voice
the raw sensuality in a blood red rose
the happiness of vibrant colours at a fresh fruit stall on tuesdays
the starkness of black on white, fuschia on neon pink
the textures of a fresh, succulent shrimp
the juiciness of a plump longan
the richness of a sweet, creamy lobster sauce
not just experiencing but to become the experience
to live in that sensation and be swept away, engulfed, consumed by it
'I am Jack's raging bile duct'
Who am I?
When are you asking?
Where are you asking?
What are you asking?
I am a result of circumstances - There is no me, there is the daughter of my parents, sister to my brother. My identity is a reaction to my environment - I refuse to be like them. Your impression of me is how you see me fit into your world, your society, your opinion of me and your friends' opinions - fillintheblank. There is no me. I am nothing without context. There is no self.
There is no self.
Not to lose your identity but to become
the thumping beat
the electric energy
the mourning in the singers voice
the raw sensuality in a blood red rose
the happiness of vibrant colours at a fresh fruit stall on tuesdays
the starkness of black on white, fuschia on neon pink
the textures of a fresh, succulent shrimp
the juiciness of a plump longan
the richness of a sweet, creamy lobster sauce
not just experiencing but to become the experience
to live in that sensation and be swept away, engulfed, consumed by it
'I am Jack's raging bile duct'
Who am I?
When are you asking?
Where are you asking?
What are you asking?
I am a result of circumstances - There is no me, there is the daughter of my parents, sister to my brother. My identity is a reaction to my environment - I refuse to be like them. Your impression of me is how you see me fit into your world, your society, your opinion of me and your friends' opinions - fillintheblank. There is no me. I am nothing without context. There is no self.
There is no self.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Flitting thoughts
SO! How many of you have figured out that I cannot count? What comes after report 1? Report 1. Naturally.
Ahhh.. alot of thoughts to flit through tonight.
Mint and beer smell surprisingly good!
Leather jackets and mohawks have that ability to punk up a concert... thats the right atmosphere man.. not bloody long queues just to collect your bags ala Good Charlotte.
Outdoor concerts R.O.C.K. really. and if we think baybeats rock, please check out http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/glastonbury2005/festivalguide/ this is how festivals shld be... my dream event...
Indie bands have weird names. thats half the fun isnt it? I am David Sparkle - mates you guys were fucking brilliant. to get a crowd going like that - who would not love you?
Cry Me a River in rock. Justin - time to retire your whiney falsetto hun.
Beer and Marshmellows do not go well. Corn rocks
AA caps rock too.
'Sad as it is - no body surfing is allowed please' 'Surf! Surf! Surf! Surf!' DIY mates.
Rabbit hopping... completely into it... crumbling into oneself... is losing to passion self destructive?
I love....
Ahhh.. alot of thoughts to flit through tonight.
Mint and beer smell surprisingly good!
Leather jackets and mohawks have that ability to punk up a concert... thats the right atmosphere man.. not bloody long queues just to collect your bags ala Good Charlotte.
Outdoor concerts R.O.C.K. really. and if we think baybeats rock, please check out http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/glastonbury2005/festivalguide/ this is how festivals shld be... my dream event...
Indie bands have weird names. thats half the fun isnt it? I am David Sparkle - mates you guys were fucking brilliant. to get a crowd going like that - who would not love you?
Cry Me a River in rock. Justin - time to retire your whiney falsetto hun.
Beer and Marshmellows do not go well. Corn rocks
AA caps rock too.
'Sad as it is - no body surfing is allowed please' 'Surf! Surf! Surf! Surf!' DIY mates.
Rabbit hopping... completely into it... crumbling into oneself... is losing to passion self destructive?
I love....
Friday, July 15, 2005
Report 1
Alright. First day. put some things into action and, as expected, results are as yet - not showing. Its kinda like having a baby i guess, you have fun planning and putting things together.. then nothing shows for a while.. then the hard work comes for the rest of your life.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Launch of the Get Your Act Together Campaign!
In a bid to fight procrastination, self-doubt and unnecessary stress, the 'Get Your Act Together' campaign was conceived and put to action. Based on a Just Whack philospophy, the objectives of the campaign are to eliminate second-guessing of oneself (especially when it comes to getting started on tasks) and procrastination, thereby creating a sense of achievement and increasing the level of satisfaction with one's life.
The campaign advocates the use of specific tools to structure one's life and to put issues into the correct perspective such as :
1. Lists - Simple to-do lists are especially useful to those who have poor or non-existent short term memory capabilities. They are also visual reminders that do not allow one to 'forget' to do things that they do not like. Striking off completed tasks also serve as a reminder of little accomplishments, encouragement to keep going.
2. Goal Setting - By writing down one's long and short term goals and placing them in a prominent area (alternatively, one can record it on a technologically advanced mobile phone and use that message as a daily wake up call), it will always be at the fore front of one's thoughts, thereby giving purpose and motivation to complete seemingly mundane tasks.
3. Use of a Planner - After decades of spending money on paper bound planners and digital planners, the time has come to use them. Update daily or whenever changes occur and MOST importantly, REFER TO THEM OFTEN. After all that effort to create a comprehensive schedule and lists, we should at least follow through with them.
4. Reporting - It is of utmost importance to document the achievements and failures of the day. It is the sure way to track progress (prevents the belittling of small accomplishments) and is also stark evidence of deviation from the campaign's goals.
Of course, the above are just examples and it is impossible to create an exhaustive list of tools available. If it works for you, use it and share it.
In accordance to point 2, it is declared that the overall goal set for the month of July 2005 is "Clean up your shit". The specifics of each individual's shit will differ but the point is that we should first right the wrongs which have resulted from our previous attitudes. Whatever the consequences might be, just face it and get it over and done with. Delaying this will only make the consequences more severe than they already are.
Planning shall be done at the start of each day before work commences. At the end of the day, a list of spill over tasks will be compiled and a report of the day will be posted. The above protocol will be strictly adhered to. Failure to do so will plunge you straight back into depression and wallowing in self-pity, the results of which are evident in recent posts. Not a fun read.
Now that the basics are set and ready to go, let's find the strength within us to just whack.
The campaign advocates the use of specific tools to structure one's life and to put issues into the correct perspective such as :
1. Lists - Simple to-do lists are especially useful to those who have poor or non-existent short term memory capabilities. They are also visual reminders that do not allow one to 'forget' to do things that they do not like. Striking off completed tasks also serve as a reminder of little accomplishments, encouragement to keep going.
2. Goal Setting - By writing down one's long and short term goals and placing them in a prominent area (alternatively, one can record it on a technologically advanced mobile phone and use that message as a daily wake up call), it will always be at the fore front of one's thoughts, thereby giving purpose and motivation to complete seemingly mundane tasks.
3. Use of a Planner - After decades of spending money on paper bound planners and digital planners, the time has come to use them. Update daily or whenever changes occur and MOST importantly, REFER TO THEM OFTEN. After all that effort to create a comprehensive schedule and lists, we should at least follow through with them.
4. Reporting - It is of utmost importance to document the achievements and failures of the day. It is the sure way to track progress (prevents the belittling of small accomplishments) and is also stark evidence of deviation from the campaign's goals.
Of course, the above are just examples and it is impossible to create an exhaustive list of tools available. If it works for you, use it and share it.
In accordance to point 2, it is declared that the overall goal set for the month of July 2005 is "Clean up your shit". The specifics of each individual's shit will differ but the point is that we should first right the wrongs which have resulted from our previous attitudes. Whatever the consequences might be, just face it and get it over and done with. Delaying this will only make the consequences more severe than they already are.
Planning shall be done at the start of each day before work commences. At the end of the day, a list of spill over tasks will be compiled and a report of the day will be posted. The above protocol will be strictly adhered to. Failure to do so will plunge you straight back into depression and wallowing in self-pity, the results of which are evident in recent posts. Not a fun read.
Now that the basics are set and ready to go, let's find the strength within us to just whack.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Sunday, July 10, 2005
hindsight 20/20
my last 2 entries were quite rubbish huh? sounded something desperate didnt it? shall i chalk it up to pms? more likely a bad, low mood. i think i've felt more intensely about it but never really expressed it in such melodrama...
so guniang
so guniang
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Ghosts
them
sometimes when you're around the completely crushable type it inevitably leads to the ~why isnt it happening~ question. I'm so sick and tired of it.. it really feels like useless whining (which it is) but.. this .. hopelessness and helplessness.. let nature take its course? what if i dont like that course? what if nature decided to take a permanent break?
Please show me a sign!! better still, something that i want to see!
sometimes when you're around the completely crushable type it inevitably leads to the ~why isnt it happening~ question. I'm so sick and tired of it.. it really feels like useless whining (which it is) but.. this .. hopelessness and helplessness.. let nature take its course? what if i dont like that course? what if nature decided to take a permanent break?
Please show me a sign!! better still, something that i want to see!
Monday, July 04, 2005
the way life works
mine at least. It somehow seems like, as much as i've tried to deviate from the norm, it is seldom my choice to do so. everything that i've set my heart on doing, i have failed.
the only time when its worked, when i find myself without any inertia to do what i want to do, is when it feels right.
and today, it did. under the most common of circumstances, while discussing my.. worries... with charine, it struck me that i really didn't want to go back to school. and what she said really put it into perspective for me
"if you want to go back to school, fine, quit. but dont go back to school just because you want to quit"
its something i've always known but i guess in recent times, lost sight of. i was trying to escape. fear was the biggest weight on my chest, stopping me from getting out of bed, out of the house, and out of this place where i would be suffocated by the criticisms and engulfed by the negativity and ultimately, where i would lose the strength to pull myself out of never ending self pity.
sounds melodramatic? possibly, probably, and melodrama was exactly what the past 3 weeks have been. all because i couldnt deal.
so, do i have a problem with getting this "feeling right" state? Yes, I do. Why can't i feel right when i need it? why did i have to moan and groan my way through all of that, andall the while knowing what i had to do but never being able to do it because i didnt have that right feeling? (i cannot believe i just typed this paragraph.... sounds like it came right out of cosmopolitan doesnt it?)
i am the sort of person who would belive in the cosmos and karma and all that destiny stuff but when it comes down to it and i cannot control my fate and have to wait for the right thing to happen at the right time (which, might i add is never on time) it is plain frustrating!
is this another excuse for me being weak? some would think so, i certainly do.
the only time when its worked, when i find myself without any inertia to do what i want to do, is when it feels right.
and today, it did. under the most common of circumstances, while discussing my.. worries... with charine, it struck me that i really didn't want to go back to school. and what she said really put it into perspective for me
"if you want to go back to school, fine, quit. but dont go back to school just because you want to quit"
its something i've always known but i guess in recent times, lost sight of. i was trying to escape. fear was the biggest weight on my chest, stopping me from getting out of bed, out of the house, and out of this place where i would be suffocated by the criticisms and engulfed by the negativity and ultimately, where i would lose the strength to pull myself out of never ending self pity.
sounds melodramatic? possibly, probably, and melodrama was exactly what the past 3 weeks have been. all because i couldnt deal.
so, do i have a problem with getting this "feeling right" state? Yes, I do. Why can't i feel right when i need it? why did i have to moan and groan my way through all of that, andall the while knowing what i had to do but never being able to do it because i didnt have that right feeling? (i cannot believe i just typed this paragraph.... sounds like it came right out of cosmopolitan doesnt it?)
i am the sort of person who would belive in the cosmos and karma and all that destiny stuff but when it comes down to it and i cannot control my fate and have to wait for the right thing to happen at the right time (which, might i add is never on time) it is plain frustrating!
is this another excuse for me being weak? some would think so, i certainly do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)