Meeting Pauline

The prospect of a meeting with Pauline has always been met with mixed feelings on my part. It's alot like walking by a huge magnifying mirror - you're excited by the new things you'll find out about yourself and at the same time, terrified that you'll see too much. But perhaps a mirror isn't the most accurate comparison. Pauline is more like a super x-ray machine for your soul and every other part of you that comes with it. Imagine, it's been more than 8 months since we last met and the first thing she said to me was "You've changed. Something about you is different. Its not just or the way you look or your hair but the way you carry yourself. Have you g0ne thru something that's quite major?"

That just struck waaaaay too close to home. And that wasn't the end of it. We got round to talking about the DCCSE and the x-ray vision came on again.

"Is that your calling?"

Wah biang. It was really the one question, even more than "how did you decide to do it?", that I'd been struggling with and DID NOT want to want to answer. It's not as if I could anyway. Long story short, I was honest and said no. I'm still waiting for the calling but call-waiting adds to the bills, not pay them so it's an interim activity until, if ever, I get it.

Really, is this another one of the signs? Was this the lesson I've come back to learn? Is it really a sign if you have to decide what it means? What good is an arrow with two heads? It's so frustrating!!

Self Indulgence

Have you experienced, in your life, a moment of pure panic so intense that it is nauseating? Your stomach is churning as you look out the bus window and see the blinding headlights whizz by like all the opportunities you have had the luck to miss. You squint hard, but before you regain your vision you are caught by a debilitating migrane that paralyses your body and slowly begins to choke you as you struggle to breathe. You press your fist against your mouth and swallow at the faint taste of bile at the back of your throat and the beginnings of a familiar tremor courses through your body. You are desperate to reach for the bell but you have no idea where you are. Around you are only shadows of overgrown angsana trees with their gnarly branches reaching for you. As if things couldn't be worse, you see that you had made the disastrous decision to take the first available seat on the bus - the seat in the reverse directi0n. The seat from where you cannot see where you are headed. A barrage of irrational self-doubts exploded in your head - What if the bus that you boarded was not the one that you saw driving into the bus bay? What if the route of the bus has changed since you last took it? Why didn't you double check the bus number before you left the office why didn't you double check the bus number when you boarded? Why didn't-

And your free fall into self-recrimination slams unceremoniously into what is known as the rock bottom of your self-esteem. Behind your tightly shut eyelids you see the face of the passengers on the bus. Faces that you remember so clearly because you had decided to take the seat in the reverse direction - facing the back of the bus. Now every-fucking-one from that sneering brat in the school uniform to the leery old man to the smirking fash-vic duo has witnessed your shameless breakdown in all its pitiful glory. There is no redemption. Your only hope, is a quick - no, instantaneous - death.

WOOO!!! it was a good night except for maybe Kazakhstan. But they played well. Any my back is broke! haha.. feels like it anyway, after moving both my 2 mattresses and wardrobe around within the miniscule space of my bedroom and now I eagerly await my new shelf!! hee I would give myself a huge pat on the back if not for the fact that it feels broke and the arms arent terribly flexible either.

So the room looks like a disaster site, parents are rooting thru the trash that they insist I throw out then claim that I'm wasteful, back is shattered, Chef course has been postponed and I'm taking the brief for an event that'll hopefully come thru and take me to the middle east.

I am strangely excited by Life.