Dreamed a little dream

Haven't had a fun one for a really long time :) it felt like random friends from the past had dropped in for a visit as we travelled to a place with an incredible night sky. It is close to a new year celebration and we were out looking at constellations and a beautiful moon that looked so large and full you could reach out and touch it.

The party would be held in an exquisite penthouse suite where we waited for the entry of a Mercedes but that never happened. Instead we joined a recognition ceremony where a close friend was the Vanna White and some Chinese VIPs were presenting awards.

Everyone was excited and, needless to say, it was winter so I was most happy.

Wish I could give everyone a hug!

Head jam

Congestion along all major thought highways with possible breakdown on Logic Avenue.

I have never had to work for anything in my life. I have not earned any of this and I have never tried for anything for fear that I will not be enough. I am blessed and ruined. This is a mediocre and pointless existence. I cannot make myself live for others' expectations of me and I have no expectations of myself. There is no point to this. Shit. Fuck. Damn.

Week 1

Actually, more like the start of week 2.

Not very haps at all. Couldn't even start the year til 4th Jan but it did get better after that. Still, I've managed to make most of my meals at work and go home early a couple of days so it wasn't a complete disaster either.

Coming up for week 2 -

1) Site inspection to Bali - need to do up a proper checklist for that. Looking forward to the travel too! Maybe I'll start packing since I'm not going to fall asleep anytime soon.. Tomorrow is going to be ruined already.

2) Only 2 days of meals in the office so I've decided to save on groceries. Maybe I'll rustle up some left overs from the fridge...

3) Argentina - Return flights are still $2154 so I'll prolly hold off and wait for NATAS to come around.. Have also worked out the budgets and the bomb is becoming a nuclear freakin' warhead. Sigh. Why do I have to be so ambitious?

Going down the same damn toilet hole again. Am I going to waste another year of my life?

I have done everything you asked me to do. Been so careful to contain the parts of me that you didn't like and now you're punishing me for not doing the things you asked me to stop doing. And now I suck because I'm such a pushover. Bent over now, please feel free to fuck me over and I hope you have fun.

How did I let myself become like this?

What am I going back to after this?

Maybe Tomorrow ~ stereophonics

I've been down
And I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
oh me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I didn't know him, but he knew me. So well that he knew what I wanted, what I needed, who I was, and he showed it to me.

RIP Steve Jobs.

What does this project mean to me?

It is creating an experience of Singapore for our guests. It is enabling a sense of family to permeate through all the activities and to celebrate it at the end.

It is not mere logistics.

I will put me back into this.

Going to sleep.

Sometimes, all you need is a small glimpse of peace just before closing your eyes to trick your mind into forgetting the turmoil of the day and sleep comes easy.

This past week showed me that I had alot to be thankful for in my life. For starters, I have a grandmother who is enjoying herself and hangs out with us all the time. I'd never been very close to her but we connect at some level and I feel like we have a relationship that goes beyond bloo. On that same note, I have an extended family that loves eating out together any time without needing the excuse for some occassion before we would meet up. I have long envied the scenes of large families feasting and enjoying each other's company that we see on travel programmes all the time and now I feel like I have that in my family too.

At work, in spite of a serious lack of motivation to get work done, I was given the opportunity to co-ordinate the putting together of a pitch and somewhere along the way, was provoked to start a conversation about where I thought the company should be, which led on to a very quick, intense immersion in intrapreneurship, innovation, presentation and alot of youtube videos of Guy Kawasaki. I must say, it feels hella good to be in a place where you're surrounded by people who share your views and willing to change things up; thoughts and ideas and people who inspire you to do what you believe is right and good; and the most amazing is to be in a team that is with you - not that they are always in agreement with you, but actively contribute to the project be it through descension or suppport. It has been a brilliant week at work. Absolutely. Every work week should be like this.

Finally, the weekend, of which there is another half to look forward to. Granted, it has been extremely indulgent, from great big meals to copious amounts of alcohol and let-loose dancing which resulted in needing the hangover remedy called retail-therapy. During sale season. I have rarely been more wasted, tired or broke - or this satisfied with a weekend.

The powers that be have really come together to set up this week with zero motivation, neediness and crankiness this time of the month, primed with the right cravings and wanting things that have led to this extremely gratifying climax. I am immensely thankful for everyone who has been part of this with me and hope that when you need it, you'll get a perfect week like this too.

To y'all

That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My

-F.Sinatra

There is a machine.

When you're wound up, pushed into a corner, preparing for battle
it conjures a lush, serene forest and lulls you into peace

When you're overexcited and overreacting
it brings a soothing sea breeze that carries the scent of the ocean and calm swish of waves

When you're in a bad way,
it envelopes you in a comforting warmth like a thick flannel blanket and a cup of tea

There is a machine. It is a melancholytron.

How many times have you wanted to tell somebody this?

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Verse 1
Word on the street, you got somethin' to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I'm intrigued, for a peek, Heard it's fascinating
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath

Words up your sleeve
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it's beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a vote

Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see ya


Verse 2
Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
brake me off, if you bad, show me how's the boss
need some goose, to get loose, come on take a shot

Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath


[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/peacock-lyrics-katy-perry.html ]

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

oh my good no exaggeration
boy all this time was worth the waiting
i just shed a tear
i'm so unprepared
you got the finest architecture
end of the rainbow looking treasure
such a sight to see
and this all for me

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
I wanna see ya
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see ya

Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

Thank you Katy Perry.

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

- Death Cab for Cutie

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now


Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

Dream.

You came to visit, you said you "just had to". Then we ran away, on a journey, and I realized that I loved you.

Dream.

Rabbits and lollipops

The last thing one should ever do after making a monumental decision about their life is to celebrate it. Because that means you’re thinking about it.

Just last week, I’d made the decision to grow up. To accept that I can create the life that I’d been dreaming of, and was so sure could only be found elsewhere, here - a place I’ve sneered at and despised since I learnt how to twitch my cute little button nose. It was momentous. There were days and days of Practical Self V. Escapist Self arguing if this house should be built here instead of in a dingy apartment above a street where bar brawls and roach-trips provide nightly entertainment, where there are four seasons that aren’t “shopping”, “hot”, “monsoon” and “flu”. It is also there, apparently, where I will find a true love who does not still live with his mother.

Then there was the issue of why I was staying. Can I really be happy here? The opportunities sound really great – chart your own future, do things the way you want to because you think it’s the right way. But are they for real? What’s to say that I’m not being swindled by a big conspiracy that has already been set in motion to destroy the very thing I’m giving up my dream life for? I’m not enough of an egoist to think that I’m some sort of saviour but here’s hoping that I can make things less bad at least. If I did get screwed over, it would surely be an epic betrayal like Italy allowing New Zealand to hold them to a draw at the World Cup Finals.

There were a few days of ding-ing and dong-ing on my head that was further encouraged by a red tide of rampaging hormones but I knew I had to wait for all that noise to stop, lest it colour my decision. So I did. I stopped thinking about it completely and emptied the vessel of my mind. There was nothing I could do about the other, so I simply waited it out until it was all clear, and I was convinced that I was thinking straight again because the sun was in the blue, blue sky, there was a brilliant rainbow that perfectly framed that lush green tree and the rabbits are out having fun in the fields.

And I decided based on what felt right. I had never felt more at peace and satisfied and invigorated and ready for a New Life so I decide to celebrate by picking some beautiful wild flowers from the field that the rabbits were cutely nibbling on and to my utter delight, they turned into lollipops!

A week later, some lollipops had been eaten and the others that were gripped in my greedy little hands were melting into a gloomy shade of black-eye purple. There was a slight churning in my gut. Some people were congratulating me while many others rolled their eyes and muttered to themselves “again?”

Another week later, things had gone back to normal. I was perpetually sweating like a pig, there was no money to go shopping with, the damn thunderstorms were flooding the path to the office, I need to stay in bed (it’s the flu, you see, that comes every Monday) and what I wouldn’t give to be living in a little apartment where it is winter and I can wear a pretty coat to work and to go grocery shopping for the romantic dinner I will cook for my man that evening when I got home at 6pm. Oh, how I wish…

So, it really is to just blindly follow the instructions you have given yourself because it really does make you feel better. After all, you’ve already done all that thinking to come to such a major decision, isn’t it time to take a break?

In spite of my love for technology, I have often thought that many things should left to develop organically, especially when it pertains to anything human. While it is nice to be able to change so many things about the way we live, eat, look and communicate, I sometimes wonder what our lives would be like if we did not intervene with the natural processes of Life like disease, food production and death. Left alone, could we have evolved and become much stronger than we are now, relying on so many artificial crutches to prop up this flailing existence of homosapiens?

I don't want to hear you, think of you, want you or need you.

Get the fuck out of my head and leave me alone.

Get. The Fuck. Lost.

3 days out - 17hrs.

I read an article in British Vogue this past week about the perfect poop. While there were descriptions of what the flawless fecal matter should be passed - which would require no more than 1 swipe of paper to clean up - the writer was rather more focussed on how ladies find it difficult to "go" and obsessed about taking a delicate dump in public or baking a brownie with one's other half in the same toilet.

The lengths some women go to, like only going when they're at home and having a separate wardrobe for when they have to go out before they put out just to hide the bulge, is really fascinating. But do we really need to go to such extremes? For sure we should be considerate while we defecate but one does not need the ability to take a scintillating shit to be able to do it in public when inspiration hits. Just let yourself go.

Instant messaging gives you the illusion that you're not dependent on others because it allows you to be comfortable with not having to physically be in contact with friends for days and days on end.

Then you lose that connection with particular people and you really feel it.

Lost, even though you're still connected to the world. You are not as alright as you think you are.

A back to front day

Was asleep most of yesterday and didn't get out of bed til 9pm. First meal was a dinner of mushroom porridge with har gow then in the 15 mins before the live cast of the Apple event was a quick dash to McDonalds for a box of 9pc nuggets and iced tea. I might scramble eggs for breakfast then head to bed.

Must say I wish I could've been at the event for the announcement of the iPad. i probably would've sniggered too loudly. I wonder what they had to compromise on to decide to go with this name. So "Whisper bar". Still, it is a wonderful concept with so much potential and I can't wait for the 2nd gen to get to Singapore, hopefully with a camera.

Random thought - this could really revolutionize the way people watch porn and play online sex games...

Man, I am so not ready for this.

Blessed Christmas

If you've read the previous post, no, I have not started taking medication. It seems that making my Christmas wish early in December is just about right for the magic to happen by the twenty-fifth. This year, I asked for an epiphany. It's about time I've moved further along the path to finding the meaning of Life, and while the beer goggles helped, letting Life pass you by in a blur is only so much fun.

So the epiphany has been happening in fits and starts. Oprah would have called it a series of a - ah - ah- ha! moments. From pulling off amazing events, to realizing what my calling is, to celebrating beautiful friendships forged over the year and, finally, being able to feed my family some decent grub myself, I am ready to end the year satisfied. In spite of the few low points which isn't unexpected, I am quite proud to say that I've lived and loved through 2009 in a way I have never done before. The sheer intensity and gamut of experiences still baffles me sometimes and the only thing I can ask for now, is that next year will be at least the same. There are already some doors which I've got my hand on I hope I will be spending 2010 pushing thru them with more veracity, tenacity, vivacity and zeal than ever before.

Here's to everyone who's made my 2009 and whom I will make 2010 with. "Bravo, Brava!"

Come on.. does X'mas always have to be about love? I mean, do you really need the happy family reunions, discovering true love and finding santa crap to truly appreciate X'mas? No. Because then you'd have to have endured a broken family, been tormented by unrequited love and suffered the trauma that comes with having to abandon Santa coz you had to "grow up" prior in the year. That's bollocks! What fool will wish that on themselves?

Please, people. We need to learn to be content with what we realistically can have. There are loads of gifts and turkeys and lot's of pie and that should be enough. Yearning for the "true spirit of Christmas" is just setting oneself up for disappointment. Do you really need to meet Santa , or can you just be happy with the presents under the tree?

It's the time of the month again, for ranting at whatever's caught my fancy. I've done the whole end-of-the-world thing and decided that as a species, and an individual, we (I) are too ball-less to attempt all the "if the world would end tomorrow" wishes until the world is actually at an end or is very close to, by which time, there won't be any bank tellers who will hand over all your savings nor will there be pilots to fly us all to Rio/Paris for that one last party/croissant.

So bring on 2012, we will always live like there is a tomorrow, in case there IS a tomorrow. We totally need to grow a pair.

I've also just been browsing the profiles of TED members who have indicated that they reside in Singapore and realized that, what feels like 80% of the members, don't have profile pictures. I wonder if this is just a case of them all looking warty, have extremely low self-esteem, are simply too lazy to find a decent picture/image that represents themselves or they're afraid to be identified. Granted, most used their (or what we assume is theirs, honestly) names rather than pseudonyms, I do believe it's the last one that's got them all scared. But why should they be afraid? The powers that be only clamp down on unfavourable opinions. You don't even have one so you've really got nothing to fear.

Then there's the whole hanging of this Malaysian drug offender. Does anyone care? Of course! Do enough care? Not nearly. Does it change anything? Duh - of course not. We have a vast, silent majority - as has been proven repeatedly - so how does anyone expect anything to change?

Unless of course, it is something major, like the Reunification of Orchard. Are there only two people who are repulsed at there is now a theme for the entire Orchard Shopping Belt not only during CNY and Christmas but for the ENTIRE DECADE? Only 2 things could have happened - the powers that be decided that homogeneity is the new black, or in times of economic depression, ALL the developments in the OSB have pooled together their resources to hire the same architect to design their brand spanking new buildings.

I wonder how much each of them now have to spend on PR/AD agencies to create a brand personality to distinguish them from their competitors down the road because they have the exact same imported boutiques/restaurants/services. Geniuses.

When everything goes down the proverbial drain pipe, can we preserve Ngee Ann City, Tangs Plaza and Wisma as National Retail Monuments please? The other steel and glass replicas of each other, with their convoluted escalators/lifts that never go to the floor that you need to reach and mall directories that you have to queue up to use can be replaced by proper shops that aren't the third appearance of a chain within a kilometer. What happened to "pleasant shopping experience"? How did we become these retail anorexics who binge on skinny jeans and a diet of only Zar*, Un!qlo and Co**on-freaking-on?

Do we, as a society, actually like this? Are we, as a society, like this?

The Sound of Settling

I've got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots.
That my tongue has tied off.

My brain's repeating
"If you've got an impulse let it out"
But they never make it past my mouth.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba


Our youth is fleeting,
Old age is just around the bend.
And I can't wait to go gray.

And I'll sit and wonder
Of every love that could've been.
If I'd only thought of something charming to say.

Bop ba, this is the sound of settling
Bop ba, Bop ba.

so what if i am and so what if i'm not. it doesn't change that something is missing and until its found, there is only emptiness. what good will it do me to declare one way or another?

Easy weekends are fun, comforting, relaxing and make you appreciate your companions that much more.

Thanks guys :)

It's been a John kinda day.

Easy and laid back, mostly, with a little mischief, cool, and a sweet end :)

It's been a John kinda day.

i needs hug. *burrows into pillows*

It's not the end of the year yet but here's my thanks for something I will remember for the rest of the year. A most illuminating breakfast I had that took place in a little hotel out of town.

It's roughly 630am on a work day and I'm whinging about Life and it being too late to dream.

So he said "BULLSHIT. Come to America and do it."

Thanks, John. Needed it : )

I think I need to go and be by myself for a while.. Then maybe I'll learn to be ok with it.

An olfactory seduction at midnight.

Just started my first batch of cold brewed coffee. I've most likely used the wrong type of coffee since it is quite finely ground but maaan.. that moment when the seal of that vacuum-packed coffee was breached - the hiss of air rushing in and the heady aroma of that coffee hits you - unbelievable. Inhaling that rich, intoxicating scent will send a shiver of anticipation down your spine like the thrill of the first brush of warm, dry fingers against the small of your back at a party.

I cannot wait.

Sometimes a big busy day can really help one feel the comfort of a few quiet hours before the party begins again. Having the house quiet coz everyone else is out having dinner, cool breeze from the open windows and My Morning Jacket on the playlist. It's almost perfect :)

Edit to the last post..

In light of recent events, I think it is abit unfair and even a little childish to say that he doesn't exist at all. He does. I have met him and laughed with him. He just does't exist in my reality now.

He's the kind of guy that would say
Hey baby let's get away let's go some where, huh?
Where I don't care
He's the kind of guy that will give you everything
And trust your heart, share all of your love, till death do you part

I want to be what he wants when he wants it, and whenever he needs it
And when he's lonesome and feelin' love starved
I'll be there to feed it
Lovin' him a little bit more each day
He turns me right on when I hear him say

(Hey baby let's get away, let's go somewhere far
(Baby can we?)
Where I don't care
I love to hear him say
(Hey baby let's get away, let's go somewhere far
(Baby can we?)
Well I don't care

I wanna be what he wants when he wants it
And whenever he needs it
When it comes to being feelin' loved starved I'll be there to please him
Lovin him a little bit more each day
It turns me right on when I hear him say

(Hey baby let's get away, let's go somewhere far)
(Baby can we?) Where, I don't care
I love to hear him say
(Hey baby let's get away, let's go somewhere far)
(Baby can we?) Where, I don´t care

(Day dreamin and I'm thinkin of you)

~Day dreaming - Corinne Bailey Rae

He's also the kind who doesn't exist.

Right. So. What more am I going to have to do?

Wait some more, or what?

Make a move, or what?

Tell me leh!

Dedicated to so many people

You showed me my tomorrow
Beside a box of matches
A welcome threatening stir

My hopes of being stolen
Might just ring true
Depends who you prefer

But if it’s true you’re gonna run away
Tell me where
I’ll meet you there

Am I snapping the excitement
If I pack away the laguther
And tell you how it feels

And does burden come to meet ya
If I’ve questions of the feature that runs on your dream wheel

The day after you stole my heart,
Everything i touched told me it would be better shared with you

And you're hiding in my soup
And the book reveals your face
And you're splashing in in the my eyelids
The concentration continually breaks

I did request the mark you cast
Didn’t heal as fast
I hear your vioce in silences
Will the teasing of the fire be followed by the thud?

And the jostling crowd
You’re not allowed to tell the truth
And the photobooth’s a liar
And the sharpened explanations
But theres no screaming reason to inquire
I’d like to poke them in their prying eyes with things they never see if it's smacked them in their temples

Fire and the Thud - Arctic Monkeys

Jetlag

Every night I await sleep elusive,

the warm breeze caresses my cheek

rolling thunder murmurs comfortingly

raindrops tap my shoulder left and right

then on my nose -

that cheeky one.

Daydreams-
A mind's wanderlust,
Floating by on the scent of watermelon flavoured gum

Drifting
Into
A life gone right

Mistakes not made
Leave no trail of regret.
Butterflies flit and skirts flounce

Sunlight streams in through the patio
And we lay by the fireplace

Daydreams..

Why do i hate you? Because you do this to me.

Knot comes loose

B.B.B.B. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M SMILING??? CAN’T YOU SEE – THERE’S A PART OF ME THAT’S BRAND NEW???
USED TO BE – WAS A PART OF ME FELT LIKE HIDIN – BUT NOW IT COMES THRU!
DEEP IN MY HEART – THAT’S WHERE THE KNOT COMES LOOSE.
DEEP IN MY HEART – I WILL REMEMBER YOU.
ALL MY LOVELY LIFE I BEEN WAITIN – HOT HEELS ANTICIPATIN.
ANOTHER LOVE I FOUND NOT TO LET IT DOWN.
DEEP IN MY HEART – THAT’S WHERE THE KNOT COMES LOOSE.
DEEP IN MY HEART – I WILL REMEMBER YOU.


- My Morning Jacket

Nice song for late nights :)

settling dust

its 1am, everyone's still awake. i'm sitting here in the lobby, bright lights, with the ash tray on the table.

and there is silence as everyone plugs into their laptops, mine plays Sigur Ros.

i am heartbroken.

Of quiet dinners and beautiful company

My horoscope said to take a "day of wellness" today and so I did. Left the office a little earlier than usual and headed to Kaiho Sushi with Jenn for nice quite Japanese dinner. Apart from excellent sashimi and an all round delicious meal, the quiet conversation peppered with occasional sake tips from the chef was the perfect way to end the first part of the week and to wind down and prepare for the long hard days ahead. Company and good food - what more can one ask for?

Thanks babe. Hope you had a good night too :)

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you for letting be me and then helping me get over me. It isn't always easy. Actually, it's usually quite painful to have to be the only one having to hear the constant monologue of angst, regret, irrational euphoria that is inevitably followed by nasty bitching and bouts of self-pity that manifests in various forms of retail excess. 

It isn't anyone's fault. I decided to be what I am but you've always very generously taken the blame for the mess-ups and I am grateful for that. It must seem very troublesome to have to deal with the whining and more than once, it has landed you more problems than you had energy to fix. 

I guess I could say that I won't make things so difficult anymore but we know that's never going to work. Life will be Life, and it is only going to get tougher in the days ahead but I love you and we will get through this. I promise to live up the happy days more often than brood over the ones that aren't as nice.

 You're a good friend, babe. The best :) 

Sweet dreams, girl.

If only my social life was as hot as the bloody weather..

Update: and the next thing you know.. it rains. Bugger.

let's fall asleep and dream away
to a place on a beach in summer
with strawberries and cream in a basket
and iced tea in our hands

lets fly away into the sunset
we wont even stop at twillight
instead we carry on into the darkness
and leave everything behind

and when the sun rises again
we shake our heads and clear our thoughts
the fantasy of mere moments past
dissipate in the air

but come again, it will, the time,
when eyelids droop and hearts soar
our cares slip off like a silky night gown pooled at our feet
revealing the pearlescent essence of us

lift off on the wings of inspiration
beating in time with your heart
follow the winds that carry your deepest desires

let's pretend there are no limits
believe you can have all
and in that moment be happy. content.
just. be.

bones creak
pores leak
a trickling of energy

back aches
joints leaden
with a kind of dread

fingers tremble
feet stumble
the agony creeps up

age is a constant companion
enveloping my body in a blanket of lethargy
in the chilling Fall of Life

I close my eyes
and rest

stop.
breathe.
stop.

Righto.

I've given up on trying for a disciplined daily routine that starts at 9am in the morning and ends with an early night's rest. So I've got an appointment, I am not getting up any earlier than when Jon and Kate starts and when it's time to sleep, I will. And late night reading is gonna be quite fun these couple of nights. I've just picked up a copy of the Esquire, Cuisine and Wine and another very interestingly themed mag. We'll see how it goes.

Cheers to listening to your body!!

I've just finished reading The Time Travellers' Wife. So many things to think about, and so many feelings to .. well, feel.

First baby from the WMF family.. I was stupid enough to not take pics of the pots until I'd finished lunch.. but that's just me innit? haha..

It's a little bit unerving, this life that I lead. When all you see ahead of you is this nothingness.
It quite excites me sometimes, knowing that I have the freedom to pick up anything
that catches my fancy anytime without having to schedule it for 'when I'm free'. It is very liberating after 3 and a half years of putting Life on hold. It just gets a little scary to suddenly realise you have nothing to do.

Its 2009 and still nothing's changed with the outlook. But so what? I like my melons. Don't you?

a leaf out of jenn's blog - this is me

This was the year

This was the year that change would be made.
This was the year that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, that I had great plans for, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.

This was the year.

And now that year has gone, mostly, nothing's changed much. Feels like I've failed to stick to the plan but always at that moment, sticking to the plan felt like giving up spontanaeity or a great opportunity and I would have failed myself. So what am I supposed to do? To think? There just isn't an answer that won't change in two weeks. What do I feel in my bones and my gut other than the onset of rheumatism and hyperacidity? Have the last 5 years been for nothing?

Perhaps. Repressing the inner bitch - yes, what you've seen this 5 years is repressed. you have no idea what full blown bitchy is - has maybe gained me 2 more friends. Or retained the original 4, depending on how you choose to look at it. And now I'm told not to give diplomatic answers when I take the time to think about things objectively. Like - wtf. You cannot handle my honest, albeit mostly biased, opinion. It will send you flying off that little handle you cling on to so dearly and make me look like the devil which I am. Think you're tough enough? You're not.

But so what. Can I continue to 'be myself' and enjoy wallowing in cynicism for the rest of my isolated existence or do I stick with this pleasant, at times cursing out of frustration but otherwise plebian disposition? I don't even know if either would make me happy. And since when did I not know what makes me happy? And since when did I care what anybody else thought?

For those who feel it sometimes... or want to feel it..

I turn on the tap and run some water
Flick a little switch on the wall
I'm hoping you remember what I taught ya
I'm hoping you remember me at all

I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

I've got a little something on my mind
To keep it to myself isn't really very kind
Pouring out my heart isn't usually my style
But you gave me an inch so I'm gonna take a mile,

You see
I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah

Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home

- Kettle's On, The Feeling.

nowhere near. nowhere near at all.

These days....

People in love get fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
People in love get scared and stupid
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

Never Be lonely

- never be lonely, twelve stops and home, The Feeling

i am drunk, smell the booze
and the puke that's on my shoes
i'm just glad they'er not the jimmy choos
there is nothing in my cupboard that can wake me from my slumber
except maybe be a bottle or two.

when i am drunk, i get crass
i pull jokes out from my ass
they get better from the second glass
if i want to be a singer i'll buy every one 3 tigers
and they'll think, when i sing, i'm the best!

i get drunk with my friends
there are no limits to the cans
just as long as we have the buck to spend
at the kopi tiam or pub, in a restaurant or a club
we get drunk, have so much fun, that's the plan!

Meeting Pauline

The prospect of a meeting with Pauline has always been met with mixed feelings on my part. It's alot like walking by a huge magnifying mirror - you're excited by the new things you'll find out about yourself and at the same time, terrified that you'll see too much. But perhaps a mirror isn't the most accurate comparison. Pauline is more like a super x-ray machine for your soul and every other part of you that comes with it. Imagine, it's been more than 8 months since we last met and the first thing she said to me was "You've changed. Something about you is different. Its not just or the way you look or your hair but the way you carry yourself. Have you g0ne thru something that's quite major?"

That just struck waaaaay too close to home. And that wasn't the end of it. We got round to talking about the DCCSE and the x-ray vision came on again.

"Is that your calling?"

Wah biang. It was really the one question, even more than "how did you decide to do it?", that I'd been struggling with and DID NOT want to want to answer. It's not as if I could anyway. Long story short, I was honest and said no. I'm still waiting for the calling but call-waiting adds to the bills, not pay them so it's an interim activity until, if ever, I get it.

Really, is this another one of the signs? Was this the lesson I've come back to learn? Is it really a sign if you have to decide what it means? What good is an arrow with two heads? It's so frustrating!!

Self Indulgence

Have you experienced, in your life, a moment of pure panic so intense that it is nauseating? Your stomach is churning as you look out the bus window and see the blinding headlights whizz by like all the opportunities you have had the luck to miss. You squint hard, but before you regain your vision you are caught by a debilitating migrane that paralyses your body and slowly begins to choke you as you struggle to breathe. You press your fist against your mouth and swallow at the faint taste of bile at the back of your throat and the beginnings of a familiar tremor courses through your body. You are desperate to reach for the bell but you have no idea where you are. Around you are only shadows of overgrown angsana trees with their gnarly branches reaching for you. As if things couldn't be worse, you see that you had made the disastrous decision to take the first available seat on the bus - the seat in the reverse directi0n. The seat from where you cannot see where you are headed. A barrage of irrational self-doubts exploded in your head - What if the bus that you boarded was not the one that you saw driving into the bus bay? What if the route of the bus has changed since you last took it? Why didn't you double check the bus number before you left the office why didn't you double check the bus number when you boarded? Why didn't-

And your free fall into self-recrimination slams unceremoniously into what is known as the rock bottom of your self-esteem. Behind your tightly shut eyelids you see the face of the passengers on the bus. Faces that you remember so clearly because you had decided to take the seat in the reverse direction - facing the back of the bus. Now every-fucking-one from that sneering brat in the school uniform to the leery old man to the smirking fash-vic duo has witnessed your shameless breakdown in all its pitiful glory. There is no redemption. Your only hope, is a quick - no, instantaneous - death.

WOOO!!! it was a good night except for maybe Kazakhstan. But they played well. Any my back is broke! haha.. feels like it anyway, after moving both my 2 mattresses and wardrobe around within the miniscule space of my bedroom and now I eagerly await my new shelf!! hee I would give myself a huge pat on the back if not for the fact that it feels broke and the arms arent terribly flexible either.

So the room looks like a disaster site, parents are rooting thru the trash that they insist I throw out then claim that I'm wasteful, back is shattered, Chef course has been postponed and I'm taking the brief for an event that'll hopefully come thru and take me to the middle east.

I am strangely excited by Life.

I'm Baaaaaack!!

Hmm.. just realised that a loose 'r' in my title can change things. Maybe it can be McCain's next campaign slogan : I'm Baaaack, Baaaraaaack!

*Disclaimer:I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to the elections and all opinions expressed are ignorant.

EHHH-NIE-WHEYS......

F1 Fever has struck!! Yes! I am an official F1 Groupie. Went to Millenia to catch Nico Rosberg giving away some prize to some dude. He really looked like a princess, no kidding. But he was nice about stopping for autographs and pictures. I think he looked quite bummed that the crowd was so thin.. what were the organisers thinking, really? There were less than 20 people there and he was supposed to have been there for 2.5hrs! *tupid *ing*poreans.

EHN-DEEHHN....

This here groupie played hide-and-seek with the security dudes around the GP Circuit, climbing barriers and all that and took alot of pictures that don't make sense and alot more other pictures that all you living overseas or Singaporeans who can't be arsed to make the trip down can download and claim as pics you took while you were here. All you need is a picture of you standing against a white background. Photoshop rocks.

*Note for users: Please make sure that the outfit you are wearing in the above photos are what you's wear when you go out. Translucent and holey wifebeaters with boxers are NOT suitable AT ALL. Do wear appropriate footwear.

Fine. If that's the way you want it, then that's the way it'll be. I'm not going to bother with the heartache anymore. You are dead to me.

Nada surf

In blizzard of '77
The cars were just lumps on the snow
And then later
Tripping in 7-11
The shelves were stretching out of control
On a plane ride
The more it shakes
The more i have to let go
Now the signals
Still getting all mixed up
We're always doing damage control
But in the middle of the night i worry
It's blurry even without light
I know i have got a negative edge
That's why i sharpen all the others a lot
It's like flowers or ladybugs
Pretty weeds or red beetles with dots
[chorus]
I miss you more than i knew
[repeat]

SATC

And like a lover you thought you've finally been able to let go of, these little desires return and sneakily creep up under your skin. And even as you are it coming, you are unable to stop its advent. And you wonder if you were ever right to let go . And if who you've decided to be is really who you want to be.

And oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you

~Chris Brown, With you.

Masque

Friday Night:

"You have a face that is hiding something. What are you hiding?"

"What's your story, Jasmine?"

I don't have one, I'm sorry.

Life

"Paper Boats"

Sit on a train, reading a book
Same damn planet every time i look
Try to relax and slow my heartbeat
Only works when i'm dead asleep
Been thinking and drinking all over the town
Must be gearing up for some kind of melt-down
All i am is a body floating down-wind
What's wrong?
Nothing
Are you sure nothing's wrong?
Yeah
But you're sad about something
Yeah
So tell me what
I don't know
I can't tell you
All i am is a body floating down-wind
As the express train passes the local
It moves by just like a paper boat
Although it weighs a million pounds
I swear it almost seems to float
And as we pass by each other
Our heads all full of bother
We can't look, we can't stop
We can't think, we can't stop
Because we're stuck in our own paths
And it's the way it always lasts
But i need something more from you

I am so angry with myself. I am so resentful of this place but I am still more angry at myself than anything. Angry that I let myself fall into the trap of thinking that this place is or could be more than the godforsaken prison that I'd tried so hard to leave. Angry that I'd wasted my time and my youth trying to give this place a chance that it never deserved. Angry that I'd simply avoided the bits I didn't like to lead this deceitful life and letting reality rear its ugly face to bite my ass so hard.

I am so angry with myself because I was the one who decided to put myself in this cesspool of mediocrity, dumbing down and false pretenses and now I have no means to undo it.

I hate this place. You all can go fuck your pathetic, average lives. I hope you are happy with yourselves.

Piss out.

There is an ache in my heart
I know not where it comes from
Well maybe I do, but don't tell me

There is a longing in my soul
I don't know what it wants
Well perhaps I see it, but haven't reached for it

When the clouds drift overhead
And the wind sings to me of a dream
A fantasy plays out in slivers of white to a backdrop of rich black velvet
The vision almost real enough to touch entices then shatters into mere shards
Leaving the anxious rustle of fronds to fill the emptiness

Another way to paradise

There's something to be said about the use of images of poor, destitute African children (I assume they're African because the videos are inevitably in black and white) in promotional material that help their cause. Without fail, I am moved to tears when I see these skinny, frail kids lying on the streets, with their distended stomachs almost bursting from hunger. I have seen them for as long as I can remember watching TV.

But today, while watching the video for Footprints in the Sand, the official video for Sports Relief, I was hit by totally different emotions. I was angry. Majorly Pissed Off.

Stop flinging these pathetic images at me because you producers or directors out there know that they'll pull at my heartstrings and therefore my purse strings. I am SICK of seeing these kids cry on camera, begging in front of the lens with their doeful eyes and slack, open mouths while some celebrity tells you to give generously.

The formula is deceptively simple, just like all the movies about dancing on the street have. You know what's coming, in fact you can hear what goes on during the shoot or in the editing suite: Celeb Producer to young editor:"This is how it works boyo, and never forget this. The more miserable and desolate the kids look before the Chorus the better. Up the volume of the chorus at least 60% for dramatic effect so that it sounds like whoever that singer is is trying to tell them something important. Then hit them with the really bad images where they all look like crap shit and quickly tone down and throw some happy faces. This'll make the suckers think "oh, look, I can be the one to bring them this joy with the pocket change lying around!" Don't worry about making them too happy coz the first bit will make anything look happy and we don't want the audience to think that the kids don't need help anymore. Got it, Son?"


I really have nothing against these kids and I have no doubt that their suffering is completely real and I am not setting out to belittle that. But I DETEST those who whip out these images like a miracle gun whenever they want something. Your cause is honorable but find another way to do this folks or one day the rest of the world will be so desensitised to images of abject poverty just like we are now to violence, and then what will you do? Search for even harsher images? Show child sex-workers at work? We've seen these images since time immemorial and if nothing has changed (evident from the same messages we're getting in the visuals), maybe it's time to do something different. Sure, we'll never finish giving compassion and aid to those in need and the poverty is an ongoing situation that cannot be easily resolved. There are always others - more - who need help. But please, I beseech you, find another way that we aren't sick of. We are in danger of being so turned off by poverty that we might be getting dangerously close to giving up. After all, I've seen these pictures for more than 20 years already and if nothing's changed, what more can I do? Maybe its beyond me and I'll just leave it to those who have much more money and resources than me. Oh look! Here's the video clip of the cowboy on A.I.! * click *

Tonight

A little tinge of brandy blush
A bit of happiness, a heady rush

The pretty brolly rests in my rum
Through my veins, a pleasure hums

The spot of cherry catches my eye
And round its stalk, a knot I tie

The breeze caresses my warmed up cheeks
The blush remains, on contented peaks

I'm really bad at this.. closing, letting go and moving on thing, aren't I? Be it a good book, anime or people. It just really really sucks. I hate it.

I absolutely HATE IT.

The "Get Real" episode

Ok.. I definitely need to get real about life.. what i want and whats never gonna happen. Reality check if you wanna call it that.. so here goes:

1) I am never gonna marry Sanzo or Hakkai (sorry Jenn, neither are you). They're not the marrying kind. Or alive kind, for that matter. But I love them anyway.

2) There is no one as perfect as Sanzo (sorry Jenn, Hakkai not so perfect).

At this point, I am already devastated. No more mojo already.

3) Being a Wuss is killing me. I need to get off that scardey ass and do what needs doing, bar fuck.

4) Rich men want pretty and docile wives. I am neither pretty nor docile and there are no rich men around. Marrying into money is not an option. NEVER WAS.

Life sucks boy.

And so it seems to have finally begun

The hard-hitting torrential downpours have begun. I imagine the heavy raindrops beating down on my skin, rivulets of coolness sliding over my scalp and flowing down my knobbly spine, easily dispelling the heat of an over-agitated body wrought with frustration. They feel like a thousand little hands beating away the grime, giving me a pat on the back and each impact releases a corresponding piece of my soul that was held back by caution and fear. Before long, I am bathed in a sense of freedom so profound that my heart cannot help but burst into a sweet song of hope, love and possibility.

Warning: its a damn long entry.

On 31st December 2007, I cast off the worst year I've had in a long time. Quite possibly, it was the worst I've had in my entire life. By the last month, I had reached depths of depression, self-doubt, failure and loneliness that I'd never thought was possible during my invincible early twenties. But that was last year, and at the stroke of midnight (or all three times we counted down to it, as it were) i felt a great cumulonimbus cloud of hopelessness lift off my pilates-tortured shoulders and it it's place, was my allotment of optimism for the whole of 2008. It felt amazing and I truly believe that 2008 will be a great year.

The ushering of the new year were fraught with so many 'signs' of things to come and what made me so hopeful of the goodness of '08 is that it wasn't perfect by any means. First, there were the false starts of the count down that saw the yachts releasing their flares (supposed to be done at midnight) before anyone started counting down! That obviously didn't take away any of the excitement of seeing each flare soar higher, further and in completely different directions from each other and I was heartened to notice that all burned just as brightly during their descend regardless of direction or height. I took it as a sign that I do not have to be better than anyone or go with the flow and I can be just as fulfilled doing what I believe in. Those who were with me in the past month would know exactly how great a comfort that is to me.

For a moment, everyone held their breath in an awesome silence and without warning, expelled that same reverent breath in a hushed oath as a runaway flare abruptly changed its upward trajectory and headed straight for the beach meters away from where we were. It really was quite a funny moment, punctuated by a lot of nervous tittering which then broke out into hearty laughter as more flares landed on the roof of the club house (where the party was) and on the boardwalk.

As the first of the flares began their slow descent, the party at the club house finally got down to their countdown and at the stroke of the second midnight, we were surprised by a fireworks display that lit the sky right in front of us in washes of festive green, red, purple and gold. It took my breath away and all in all, the celebrations were enough to assure me that 2008 would be an inspired year. Amusing at times but always pleasantly surprising. Perfect. But that was not all. In fact, I was just about to given my first (of many, I hope) gifts of the New Year.

When the excitement died down and most of the other groups had left, I noticed the scene in front of us. An elderly lady sat on the bench and next to her was a young boy who looked to be her grandson, sitting on the ground with his back against the bench. On the other side of the boy was a woman who looked like she was in her late 20s or early 30s. In my mind, she was the mother and daughter. They remained inconspicuous throughout the entire fire and flare episode but the now quiet night seemed to throw them in to a sharp and stark focus. Despite having already settled in before we arrive and, eventually, staying after we left, they did not have the picnic clutter that everyone else brought along. From what I could see, they sat on the bare ground while the only F&B was a can of coke and a packet of chips. It would be presumptuous for me to explain their situation so I'll just offer up the scenario that I saw and the powerful resolution I made because of it.

Some of you might have seen them as an incomplete (not dysfunctional) family with little in the way of money. The sense of loneliness and material poorness (since it isn't poverty compared to some of the Third World) felt like an isolating force that kept them from having fun like the rest of us. Yet this did not make them destitute. They were not ostentatiously lamenting their plight (as would have been the case had they stayed home to be miserable). Instead, they made it a point to do what they could and got out there to celebrate in their own way.

It was then that I really could believe that I do not have to be wealthy to be able to live Life but what moved me more profoundly was that regardless of how low I might get in Life, I should still get out there and live it rather than try to hide away and begrudge the lousy hand I'd been dealt with. There is Life outside of my misery - a whole world of it, in fact.

Perhaps some might feel that at 23yrs and 11months old, it is too early for me to not be an ambitious bitch and I should not be thinking about being contented with anything that Life gave me, much less learning how to live with desolation but I disagree. I will always have my dreams and I will fight to realize them because they are what will fulfill me. What I learnt during that first precious hour of 2008 can only serve to give me strength to pursue my wayward and beautiful dreams because I now know how to deal with the worst that Life can throw at me.

So let me give thanks to the powers or fates that be, my family, my friends, and most of all to the dreadful year that was 2007, without which, I would appreciate and anticipate 2008 as much as I do now.

Bless y'all and have a great one!

Just as well that its 1203am now. Whatever was yesterday and before, I've been able to put down and leave it behind. Thanks, Tush. I didn't realise how much it was affecting me.

And at the same time, I've decided! haha. I'm quite excited about where I'm headed. BUT, to qualify this - relief, I guess - is that I have no idea how to get there yet. It'll come.. I'm just really really glad I've figured it out. Same as ever, it was a gut decision, made in spite of everything. I'll be able to sleep easier tonight =)

Finally:

1) I am Legend left me feeling like the aftermath of Crash

2) I wanna marry Yukio!!


Hehe.. It's time to start thinking about the resolutions... Come to think of it, I've not been excited about making resolutions for a loooooooooong time.

let fly

let loose and fly. Ditch your inhibitions and have the time of your life. Its a beautiful, exhilarating feeling that I can only indulge in when I know I'm safe.. So thank you guys, for watching my back and also for not killing me for conning you into this.. hehe..

I love you all!

With things like this.. who needs kiasu-ism or Singlish or even Anabelle to tarnish our reputation?

http://www.mda.gov.sg/wms.www/video.htm

WHAT IS THE CENSORSHIP BOARD DOING ALLOWING SUCH MOCKERY OF OUR COUNTRY TO BE ONLINE!!!!!

Thank you to the powers that be, I am eternally grateful for the friends I have. They are the bestest in the world.

Now next, you gotta send me the hot guys. Like soon can?

19 Nov

Sometimes I love it when Life proves me wrong and gives that bag of cynicism a good punch in the gut.

For a while now, I've learnt and accepted the fact that job satisfaction is like true love - Everyone longs for it, waxes lyrical about it, but few experience it at all, much less have a constant source of it.

This past weekend must have be\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Edit on 20 Nov:

Ok so i fell asleep while writing the post. haha. here's the rest of it.

This past weekend must have been the longest I've worked in a long while. Friday was collation from 11pm til 5am. Then on Saturday night, after a lovely dinner with the ladies, went back to the event to see how things were. That was about 1230am on Sunday. From there, it was non-stop til Monday evening at 9pm. I can't count the hours correctly. haha.

Despite the hours and the stress, it felt really really good. The sense of camaraderie's something I really appreciate and unfortunately, haven't had the privilege of being part of for a long long time. Every morning after a night of no sleep was exciting, and I hardly felt tired until we slowed down. And this is the kind of satisfaction I need to get from my job. And this is the kind of dedication I want to give to my job.

So.

Is this the job? I still don't know. Mostly because I'm still quite stoned but there are many many other things to consider.

Well, I loved the weekend anyway. It was truly inspirational in more ways than one. And I envy the dedication and strength in the team, especially those who led the way and carried us on their awearied backs every step of the way.

Thank you.

Meditation.

I float on a lily pad.
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.

I float on a lily pad.
It is still, on a mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.

I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.

Sianz...

Take a deep breath.

... I float on a lily pad...

Meditation.

I float on a lily pad.
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.

I float on a lily pad.
It is still on the mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.

I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.

Sianz...

Take a deep breath.

... I float on a lily pad...

sentimentality gently coiled its tendrils

searching,

comforting,

reassuring,

inhibiting,

immobilizing.

Paralysis takes over.

And I am frozen with fear.

I tasted, was blown away and now I crash and burn.

Another souffle.

Damn.

Since when was wearing a t-shirt not lawful?

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/307126/1/.html

tribute

Some people are good for the heart, some for the mind, and others for the soul. It doesn't matter what you do with them or how much time you spend with them, they're just good for you. We'll all do well to keep them close.

thank you =)

Some people are good for the heart, some for the mind, and others for the soul. It doesn't matter what you do with them, they're just good for you.

Action - Reaction

"What the gay community does in private is their private space," said Mr Tan, an executive director of a not-for-profit organisation. - Quote from the CNA website

And I totally agree with you, Mr Tan. Which is why the law of a country should keep out of this private space. Your views, Mr Tan and that of "The Majority" as you call yourself, should not be imposed on the parts of other people's private lives that clearly do not concern you. There is no "silent majority" that supports you. If they are silent, that means they are not concerned enough to support anyone. You cannot lay claim on an indifferent population.

Indifference is NOT support.

Doesn't anyone in this country get that?

Notes to self from some time ago..

29 Aug 07

dreams, complete opposite faces of the same coin. Scares you to hell. In the same breath a peek into happy endings of beautiful possibilities and a backhanded slap of a reminder of all that is you that destroys.

16 Oct 07

I love us. The way we laugh together, joke together; find our way through the implicit, ignore the blatantly obvious. In however far we've come, there is further to go and wherever we end up, we will always have what we've had and more.

A Rainy night 07
a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze

unyielding in the hurricane of passion, bent over backwards

a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze

12 Oct 07
l am a mean person. Feeling happy for the heroine who gets the hottie is beyond me.

15 Oct 07
it is only on days when the ocean is not enough that you discover the sky. And that vastness and the grace of its existence can only be uplifting.

17 Oct 07
I am a slave to my history. For every moment of triumph, there is a daunting, haunting expectation looming in my future. I am torn between fulfilling my future and fulfilling me.

Chance, and hope

A drink for one is never fun
A sip deadens the pain
She's sick of games and learning names
She puts her black book away
She scans the place for a friendly face
Suddenly everything has changed
He took a chance on romance without knowing her name

So he moved in on a whim
And now her house is their home
She forgets the days of the drunken haze
And waiting by the phone
They lie in bed with nothing said
As she gently falls asleep
He thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet

The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride

It's funny how life can change at the drop of a dime
All it takes is a little faith that everything is fine
So I raise my glass to better times
I'm glad that I didn't miss my chance to see and end to misery

The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride

Doctor and the DJ - Her Space Holiday

I get it - It will never happen. Then why can't i get over it?!?!

La Petite Mort

Drizzle a tiny stream of hot chocolate over a perfectly risen souffle.

Pierce through the delicate, spongy exterior to excavate a teaspoonful and bring it towards your mouth.

Prepare for the caress of warm, caramel flavoured comfort as the impossibly light custard fills the cavity of your mouth, followed by an almost orgasmic rush of adrenaline as the hotter flow of pure, exhilarating chocolate rolls over your tongue and makes your toes curl and fills you with a desperate need to groan with the waves of pleasure hitting you over and over again. A buzz flows though your veins and you body clenches as sensations build towards a climax but just moments before you release a screamed prayer, an icy mint flavour cuts in to cool off the hot and painful pleasure, slowing down your pounding heart, relief washes over entire body.

The After Eight Souffle by The Chocolate Factory. I could only bear 2 spoonfuls.

Dear God, you have my infinite gratitude for creating the genius and inspiration for such a divine creation.

The L Word

Ok I really need to think more before I can properly write a review but in a nugget, its a soap with proper acting. it does get a little trashy sometimes but it at least feels very real. Not sure if it really is life-like and maybe not everyone will get the political and social messages without some prompting but it is definitely a good watch!

and shane is so hot!! i am so in love!!

*swoon&sigh*

An ideal death

Ready.

Set.

Ok, let's go.