Why do i hate you? Because you do this to me.

Knot comes loose

B.B.B.B. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M SMILING??? CAN’T YOU SEE – THERE’S A PART OF ME THAT’S BRAND NEW???
USED TO BE – WAS A PART OF ME FELT LIKE HIDIN – BUT NOW IT COMES THRU!
DEEP IN MY HEART – THAT’S WHERE THE KNOT COMES LOOSE.
DEEP IN MY HEART – I WILL REMEMBER YOU.
ALL MY LOVELY LIFE I BEEN WAITIN – HOT HEELS ANTICIPATIN.
ANOTHER LOVE I FOUND NOT TO LET IT DOWN.
DEEP IN MY HEART – THAT’S WHERE THE KNOT COMES LOOSE.
DEEP IN MY HEART – I WILL REMEMBER YOU.


- My Morning Jacket

Nice song for late nights :)

settling dust

its 1am, everyone's still awake. i'm sitting here in the lobby, bright lights, with the ash tray on the table.

and there is silence as everyone plugs into their laptops, mine plays Sigur Ros.

i am heartbroken.

Of quiet dinners and beautiful company

My horoscope said to take a "day of wellness" today and so I did. Left the office a little earlier than usual and headed to Kaiho Sushi with Jenn for nice quite Japanese dinner. Apart from excellent sashimi and an all round delicious meal, the quiet conversation peppered with occasional sake tips from the chef was the perfect way to end the first part of the week and to wind down and prepare for the long hard days ahead. Company and good food - what more can one ask for?

Thanks babe. Hope you had a good night too :)

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you for letting be me and then helping me get over me. It isn't always easy. Actually, it's usually quite painful to have to be the only one having to hear the constant monologue of angst, regret, irrational euphoria that is inevitably followed by nasty bitching and bouts of self-pity that manifests in various forms of retail excess. 

It isn't anyone's fault. I decided to be what I am but you've always very generously taken the blame for the mess-ups and I am grateful for that. It must seem very troublesome to have to deal with the whining and more than once, it has landed you more problems than you had energy to fix. 

I guess I could say that I won't make things so difficult anymore but we know that's never going to work. Life will be Life, and it is only going to get tougher in the days ahead but I love you and we will get through this. I promise to live up the happy days more often than brood over the ones that aren't as nice.

 You're a good friend, babe. The best :) 

Sweet dreams, girl.

If only my social life was as hot as the bloody weather..

Update: and the next thing you know.. it rains. Bugger.

let's fall asleep and dream away
to a place on a beach in summer
with strawberries and cream in a basket
and iced tea in our hands

lets fly away into the sunset
we wont even stop at twillight
instead we carry on into the darkness
and leave everything behind

and when the sun rises again
we shake our heads and clear our thoughts
the fantasy of mere moments past
dissipate in the air

but come again, it will, the time,
when eyelids droop and hearts soar
our cares slip off like a silky night gown pooled at our feet
revealing the pearlescent essence of us

lift off on the wings of inspiration
beating in time with your heart
follow the winds that carry your deepest desires

let's pretend there are no limits
believe you can have all
and in that moment be happy. content.
just. be.

bones creak
pores leak
a trickling of energy

back aches
joints leaden
with a kind of dread

fingers tremble
feet stumble
the agony creeps up

age is a constant companion
enveloping my body in a blanket of lethargy
in the chilling Fall of Life

I close my eyes
and rest

stop.
breathe.
stop.

Righto.

I've given up on trying for a disciplined daily routine that starts at 9am in the morning and ends with an early night's rest. So I've got an appointment, I am not getting up any earlier than when Jon and Kate starts and when it's time to sleep, I will. And late night reading is gonna be quite fun these couple of nights. I've just picked up a copy of the Esquire, Cuisine and Wine and another very interestingly themed mag. We'll see how it goes.

Cheers to listening to your body!!

I've just finished reading The Time Travellers' Wife. So many things to think about, and so many feelings to .. well, feel.

First baby from the WMF family.. I was stupid enough to not take pics of the pots until I'd finished lunch.. but that's just me innit? haha..

It's a little bit unerving, this life that I lead. When all you see ahead of you is this nothingness.
It quite excites me sometimes, knowing that I have the freedom to pick up anything
that catches my fancy anytime without having to schedule it for 'when I'm free'. It is very liberating after 3 and a half years of putting Life on hold. It just gets a little scary to suddenly realise you have nothing to do.

Its 2009 and still nothing's changed with the outlook. But so what? I like my melons. Don't you?

a leaf out of jenn's blog - this is me

This was the year

This was the year that change would be made.
This was the year that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, that I had great plans for, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.

This was the year.

And now that year has gone, mostly, nothing's changed much. Feels like I've failed to stick to the plan but always at that moment, sticking to the plan felt like giving up spontanaeity or a great opportunity and I would have failed myself. So what am I supposed to do? To think? There just isn't an answer that won't change in two weeks. What do I feel in my bones and my gut other than the onset of rheumatism and hyperacidity? Have the last 5 years been for nothing?

Perhaps. Repressing the inner bitch - yes, what you've seen this 5 years is repressed. you have no idea what full blown bitchy is - has maybe gained me 2 more friends. Or retained the original 4, depending on how you choose to look at it. And now I'm told not to give diplomatic answers when I take the time to think about things objectively. Like - wtf. You cannot handle my honest, albeit mostly biased, opinion. It will send you flying off that little handle you cling on to so dearly and make me look like the devil which I am. Think you're tough enough? You're not.

But so what. Can I continue to 'be myself' and enjoy wallowing in cynicism for the rest of my isolated existence or do I stick with this pleasant, at times cursing out of frustration but otherwise plebian disposition? I don't even know if either would make me happy. And since when did I not know what makes me happy? And since when did I care what anybody else thought?

For those who feel it sometimes... or want to feel it..

I turn on the tap and run some water
Flick a little switch on the wall
I'm hoping you remember what I taught ya
I'm hoping you remember me at all

I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

I've got a little something on my mind
To keep it to myself isn't really very kind
Pouring out my heart isn't usually my style
But you gave me an inch so I'm gonna take a mile,

You see
I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah

Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home

- Kettle's On, The Feeling.

nowhere near. nowhere near at all.

These days....

People in love get fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
People in love get scared and stupid
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

Never Be lonely

- never be lonely, twelve stops and home, The Feeling

i am drunk, smell the booze
and the puke that's on my shoes
i'm just glad they'er not the jimmy choos
there is nothing in my cupboard that can wake me from my slumber
except maybe be a bottle or two.

when i am drunk, i get crass
i pull jokes out from my ass
they get better from the second glass
if i want to be a singer i'll buy every one 3 tigers
and they'll think, when i sing, i'm the best!

i get drunk with my friends
there are no limits to the cans
just as long as we have the buck to spend
at the kopi tiam or pub, in a restaurant or a club
we get drunk, have so much fun, that's the plan!

Meeting Pauline

The prospect of a meeting with Pauline has always been met with mixed feelings on my part. It's alot like walking by a huge magnifying mirror - you're excited by the new things you'll find out about yourself and at the same time, terrified that you'll see too much. But perhaps a mirror isn't the most accurate comparison. Pauline is more like a super x-ray machine for your soul and every other part of you that comes with it. Imagine, it's been more than 8 months since we last met and the first thing she said to me was "You've changed. Something about you is different. Its not just or the way you look or your hair but the way you carry yourself. Have you g0ne thru something that's quite major?"

That just struck waaaaay too close to home. And that wasn't the end of it. We got round to talking about the DCCSE and the x-ray vision came on again.

"Is that your calling?"

Wah biang. It was really the one question, even more than "how did you decide to do it?", that I'd been struggling with and DID NOT want to want to answer. It's not as if I could anyway. Long story short, I was honest and said no. I'm still waiting for the calling but call-waiting adds to the bills, not pay them so it's an interim activity until, if ever, I get it.

Really, is this another one of the signs? Was this the lesson I've come back to learn? Is it really a sign if you have to decide what it means? What good is an arrow with two heads? It's so frustrating!!