Ok.. I definitely need to get real about life.. what i want and whats never gonna happen. Reality check if you wanna call it that.. so here goes:
1) I am never gonna marry Sanzo or Hakkai (sorry Jenn, neither are you). They're not the marrying kind. Or alive kind, for that matter. But I love them anyway.
2) There is no one as perfect as Sanzo (sorry Jenn, Hakkai not so perfect).
At this point, I am already devastated. No more mojo already.
3) Being a Wuss is killing me. I need to get off that scardey ass and do what needs doing, bar fuck.
4) Rich men want pretty and docile wives. I am neither pretty nor docile and there are no rich men around. Marrying into money is not an option. NEVER WAS.
Life sucks boy.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
And so it seems to have finally begun
The hard-hitting torrential downpours have begun. I imagine the heavy raindrops beating down on my skin, rivulets of coolness sliding over my scalp and flowing down my knobbly spine, easily dispelling the heat of an over-agitated body wrought with frustration. They feel like a thousand little hands beating away the grime, giving me a pat on the back and each impact releases a corresponding piece of my soul that was held back by caution and fear. Before long, I am bathed in a sense of freedom so profound that my heart cannot help but burst into a sweet song of hope, love and possibility.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Warning: its a damn long entry.
On 31st December 2007, I cast off the worst year I've had in a long time. Quite possibly, it was the worst I've had in my entire life. By the last month, I had reached depths of depression, self-doubt, failure and loneliness that I'd never thought was possible during my invincible early twenties. But that was last year, and at the stroke of midnight (or all three times we counted down to it, as it were) i felt a great cumulonimbus cloud of hopelessness lift off my pilates-tortured shoulders and it it's place, was my allotment of optimism for the whole of 2008. It felt amazing and I truly believe that 2008 will be a great year.
The ushering of the new year were fraught with so many 'signs' of things to come and what made me so hopeful of the goodness of '08 is that it wasn't perfect by any means. First, there were the false starts of the count down that saw the yachts releasing their flares (supposed to be done at midnight) before anyone started counting down! That obviously didn't take away any of the excitement of seeing each flare soar higher, further and in completely different directions from each other and I was heartened to notice that all burned just as brightly during their descend regardless of direction or height. I took it as a sign that I do not have to be better than anyone or go with the flow and I can be just as fulfilled doing what I believe in. Those who were with me in the past month would know exactly how great a comfort that is to me.
For a moment, everyone held their breath in an awesome silence and without warning, expelled that same reverent breath in a hushed oath as a runaway flare abruptly changed its upward trajectory and headed straight for the beach meters away from where we were. It really was quite a funny moment, punctuated by a lot of nervous tittering which then broke out into hearty laughter as more flares landed on the roof of the club house (where the party was) and on the boardwalk.
As the first of the flares began their slow descent, the party at the club house finally got down to their countdown and at the stroke of the second midnight, we were surprised by a fireworks display that lit the sky right in front of us in washes of festive green, red, purple and gold. It took my breath away and all in all, the celebrations were enough to assure me that 2008 would be an inspired year. Amusing at times but always pleasantly surprising. Perfect. But that was not all. In fact, I was just about to given my first (of many, I hope) gifts of the New Year.
When the excitement died down and most of the other groups had left, I noticed the scene in front of us. An elderly lady sat on the bench and next to her was a young boy who looked to be her grandson, sitting on the ground with his back against the bench. On the other side of the boy was a woman who looked like she was in her late 20s or early 30s. In my mind, she was the mother and daughter. They remained inconspicuous throughout the entire fire and flare episode but the now quiet night seemed to throw them in to a sharp and stark focus. Despite having already settled in before we arrive and, eventually, staying after we left, they did not have the picnic clutter that everyone else brought along. From what I could see, they sat on the bare ground while the only F&B was a can of coke and a packet of chips. It would be presumptuous for me to explain their situation so I'll just offer up the scenario that I saw and the powerful resolution I made because of it.
Some of you might have seen them as an incomplete (not dysfunctional) family with little in the way of money. The sense of loneliness and material poorness (since it isn't poverty compared to some of the Third World) felt like an isolating force that kept them from having fun like the rest of us. Yet this did not make them destitute. They were not ostentatiously lamenting their plight (as would have been the case had they stayed home to be miserable). Instead, they made it a point to do what they could and got out there to celebrate in their own way.
It was then that I really could believe that I do not have to be wealthy to be able to live Life but what moved me more profoundly was that regardless of how low I might get in Life, I should still get out there and live it rather than try to hide away and begrudge the lousy hand I'd been dealt with. There is Life outside of my misery - a whole world of it, in fact.
Perhaps some might feel that at 23yrs and 11months old, it is too early for me to not be an ambitious bitch and I should not be thinking about being contented with anything that Life gave me, much less learning how to live with desolation but I disagree. I will always have my dreams and I will fight to realize them because they are what will fulfill me. What I learnt during that first precious hour of 2008 can only serve to give me strength to pursue my wayward and beautiful dreams because I now know how to deal with the worst that Life can throw at me.
So let me give thanks to the powers or fates that be, my family, my friends, and most of all to the dreadful year that was 2007, without which, I would appreciate and anticipate 2008 as much as I do now.
Bless y'all and have a great one!
The ushering of the new year were fraught with so many 'signs' of things to come and what made me so hopeful of the goodness of '08 is that it wasn't perfect by any means. First, there were the false starts of the count down that saw the yachts releasing their flares (supposed to be done at midnight) before anyone started counting down! That obviously didn't take away any of the excitement of seeing each flare soar higher, further and in completely different directions from each other and I was heartened to notice that all burned just as brightly during their descend regardless of direction or height. I took it as a sign that I do not have to be better than anyone or go with the flow and I can be just as fulfilled doing what I believe in. Those who were with me in the past month would know exactly how great a comfort that is to me.
For a moment, everyone held their breath in an awesome silence and without warning, expelled that same reverent breath in a hushed oath as a runaway flare abruptly changed its upward trajectory and headed straight for the beach meters away from where we were. It really was quite a funny moment, punctuated by a lot of nervous tittering which then broke out into hearty laughter as more flares landed on the roof of the club house (where the party was) and on the boardwalk.
As the first of the flares began their slow descent, the party at the club house finally got down to their countdown and at the stroke of the second midnight, we were surprised by a fireworks display that lit the sky right in front of us in washes of festive green, red, purple and gold. It took my breath away and all in all, the celebrations were enough to assure me that 2008 would be an inspired year. Amusing at times but always pleasantly surprising. Perfect. But that was not all. In fact, I was just about to given my first (of many, I hope) gifts of the New Year.
When the excitement died down and most of the other groups had left, I noticed the scene in front of us. An elderly lady sat on the bench and next to her was a young boy who looked to be her grandson, sitting on the ground with his back against the bench. On the other side of the boy was a woman who looked like she was in her late 20s or early 30s. In my mind, she was the mother and daughter. They remained inconspicuous throughout the entire fire and flare episode but the now quiet night seemed to throw them in to a sharp and stark focus. Despite having already settled in before we arrive and, eventually, staying after we left, they did not have the picnic clutter that everyone else brought along. From what I could see, they sat on the bare ground while the only F&B was a can of coke and a packet of chips. It would be presumptuous for me to explain their situation so I'll just offer up the scenario that I saw and the powerful resolution I made because of it.
Some of you might have seen them as an incomplete (not dysfunctional) family with little in the way of money. The sense of loneliness and material poorness (since it isn't poverty compared to some of the Third World) felt like an isolating force that kept them from having fun like the rest of us. Yet this did not make them destitute. They were not ostentatiously lamenting their plight (as would have been the case had they stayed home to be miserable). Instead, they made it a point to do what they could and got out there to celebrate in their own way.
It was then that I really could believe that I do not have to be wealthy to be able to live Life but what moved me more profoundly was that regardless of how low I might get in Life, I should still get out there and live it rather than try to hide away and begrudge the lousy hand I'd been dealt with. There is Life outside of my misery - a whole world of it, in fact.
Perhaps some might feel that at 23yrs and 11months old, it is too early for me to not be an ambitious bitch and I should not be thinking about being contented with anything that Life gave me, much less learning how to live with desolation but I disagree. I will always have my dreams and I will fight to realize them because they are what will fulfill me. What I learnt during that first precious hour of 2008 can only serve to give me strength to pursue my wayward and beautiful dreams because I now know how to deal with the worst that Life can throw at me.
So let me give thanks to the powers or fates that be, my family, my friends, and most of all to the dreadful year that was 2007, without which, I would appreciate and anticipate 2008 as much as I do now.
Bless y'all and have a great one!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Just as well that its 1203am now. Whatever was yesterday and before, I've been able to put down and leave it behind. Thanks, Tush. I didn't realise how much it was affecting me.
And at the same time, I've decided! haha. I'm quite excited about where I'm headed. BUT, to qualify this - relief, I guess - is that I have no idea how to get there yet. It'll come.. I'm just really really glad I've figured it out. Same as ever, it was a gut decision, made in spite of everything. I'll be able to sleep easier tonight =)
Finally:
1) I am Legend left me feeling like the aftermath of Crash
2) I wanna marry Yukio!!
Hehe.. It's time to start thinking about the resolutions... Come to think of it, I've not been excited about making resolutions for a loooooooooong time.
And at the same time, I've decided! haha. I'm quite excited about where I'm headed. BUT, to qualify this - relief, I guess - is that I have no idea how to get there yet. It'll come.. I'm just really really glad I've figured it out. Same as ever, it was a gut decision, made in spite of everything. I'll be able to sleep easier tonight =)
Finally:
1) I am Legend left me feeling like the aftermath of Crash
2) I wanna marry Yukio!!
Hehe.. It's time to start thinking about the resolutions... Come to think of it, I've not been excited about making resolutions for a loooooooooong time.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
let fly
let loose and fly. Ditch your inhibitions and have the time of your life. Its a beautiful, exhilarating feeling that I can only indulge in when I know I'm safe.. So thank you guys, for watching my back and also for not killing me for conning you into this.. hehe..
I love you all!
I love you all!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
With things like this.. who needs kiasu-ism or Singlish or even Anabelle to tarnish our reputation?
http://www.mda.gov.sg/wms.www/video.htm
WHAT IS THE CENSORSHIP BOARD DOING ALLOWING SUCH MOCKERY OF OUR COUNTRY TO BE ONLINE!!!!!
http://www.mda.gov.sg/wms.www/video.htm
WHAT IS THE CENSORSHIP BOARD DOING ALLOWING SUCH MOCKERY OF OUR COUNTRY TO BE ONLINE!!!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
19 Nov
Sometimes I love it when Life proves me wrong and gives that bag of cynicism a good punch in the gut.
For a while now, I've learnt and accepted the fact that job satisfaction is like true love - Everyone longs for it, waxes lyrical about it, but few experience it at all, much less have a constant source of it.
This past weekend must have be\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Edit on 20 Nov:
Ok so i fell asleep while writing the post. haha. here's the rest of it.
This past weekend must have been the longest I've worked in a long while. Friday was collation from 11pm til 5am. Then on Saturday night, after a lovely dinner with the ladies, went back to the event to see how things were. That was about 1230am on Sunday. From there, it was non-stop til Monday evening at 9pm. I can't count the hours correctly. haha.
Despite the hours and the stress, it felt really really good. The sense of camaraderie's something I really appreciate and unfortunately, haven't had the privilege of being part of for a long long time. Every morning after a night of no sleep was exciting, and I hardly felt tired until we slowed down. And this is the kind of satisfaction I need to get from my job. And this is the kind of dedication I want to give to my job.
So.
Is this the job? I still don't know. Mostly because I'm still quite stoned but there are many many other things to consider.
Well, I loved the weekend anyway. It was truly inspirational in more ways than one. And I envy the dedication and strength in the team, especially those who led the way and carried us on their awearied backs every step of the way.
Thank you.
For a while now, I've learnt and accepted the fact that job satisfaction is like true love - Everyone longs for it, waxes lyrical about it, but few experience it at all, much less have a constant source of it.
This past weekend must have be\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Edit on 20 Nov:
Ok so i fell asleep while writing the post. haha. here's the rest of it.
This past weekend must have been the longest I've worked in a long while. Friday was collation from 11pm til 5am. Then on Saturday night, after a lovely dinner with the ladies, went back to the event to see how things were. That was about 1230am on Sunday. From there, it was non-stop til Monday evening at 9pm. I can't count the hours correctly. haha.
Despite the hours and the stress, it felt really really good. The sense of camaraderie's something I really appreciate and unfortunately, haven't had the privilege of being part of for a long long time. Every morning after a night of no sleep was exciting, and I hardly felt tired until we slowed down. And this is the kind of satisfaction I need to get from my job. And this is the kind of dedication I want to give to my job.
So.
Is this the job? I still don't know. Mostly because I'm still quite stoned but there are many many other things to consider.
Well, I loved the weekend anyway. It was truly inspirational in more ways than one. And I envy the dedication and strength in the team, especially those who led the way and carried us on their awearied backs every step of the way.
Thank you.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Meditation.
I float on a lily pad.
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.
I float on a lily pad.
It is still, on a mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.
I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.
Sianz...
Take a deep breath.
... I float on a lily pad...
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.
I float on a lily pad.
It is still, on a mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.
I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.
Sianz...
Take a deep breath.
... I float on a lily pad...
Meditation.
I float on a lily pad.
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.
I float on a lily pad.
It is still on the mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.
I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.
Sianz...
Take a deep breath.
... I float on a lily pad...
It drifts over ripples in the stream. They tickle. I squirm.
I float on a lily pad.
It is still on the mirror sea. The undercurrents roar in my ears. I sweat.
I float on a lily pad.
It flips. I panic and inhale, eyes snap open.
Sianz...
Take a deep breath.
... I float on a lily pad...
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Since when was wearing a t-shirt not lawful?
http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/307126/1/.html
Sunday, October 21, 2007
tribute
Some people are good for the heart, some for the mind, and others for the soul. It doesn't matter what you do with them or how much time you spend with them, they're just good for you. We'll all do well to keep them close.
thank you =)
thank you =)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Action - Reaction
"What the gay community does in private is their private space," said Mr Tan, an executive director of a not-for-profit organisation. - Quote from the CNA website
And I totally agree with you, Mr Tan. Which is why the law of a country should keep out of this private space. Your views, Mr Tan and that of "The Majority" as you call yourself, should not be imposed on the parts of other people's private lives that clearly do not concern you. There is no "silent majority" that supports you. If they are silent, that means they are not concerned enough to support anyone. You cannot lay claim on an indifferent population.
Indifference is NOT support.
Doesn't anyone in this country get that?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Notes to self from some time ago..
29 Aug 07
dreams, complete opposite faces of the same coin. Scares you to hell. In the same breath a peek into happy endings of beautiful possibilities and a backhanded slap of a reminder of all that is you that destroys.
16 Oct 07
I love us. The way we laugh together, joke together; find our way through the implicit, ignore the blatantly obvious. In however far we've come, there is further to go and wherever we end up, we will always have what we've had and more.
A Rainy night 07
a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze
unyielding in the hurricane of passion, bent over backwards
a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze
12 Oct 07
l am a mean person. Feeling happy for the heroine who gets the hottie is beyond me.
15 Oct 07
it is only on days when the ocean is not enough that you discover the sky. And that vastness and the grace of its existence can only be uplifting.
17 Oct 07
I am a slave to my history. For every moment of triumph, there is a daunting, haunting expectation looming in my future. I am torn between fulfilling my future and fulfilling me.
dreams, complete opposite faces of the same coin. Scares you to hell. In the same breath a peek into happy endings of beautiful possibilities and a backhanded slap of a reminder of all that is you that destroys.
16 Oct 07
I love us. The way we laugh together, joke together; find our way through the implicit, ignore the blatantly obvious. In however far we've come, there is further to go and wherever we end up, we will always have what we've had and more.
A Rainy night 07
a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze
unyielding in the hurricane of passion, bent over backwards
a flame tree, stoic in the night
breeze
12 Oct 07
l am a mean person. Feeling happy for the heroine who gets the hottie is beyond me.
15 Oct 07
it is only on days when the ocean is not enough that you discover the sky. And that vastness and the grace of its existence can only be uplifting.
17 Oct 07
I am a slave to my history. For every moment of triumph, there is a daunting, haunting expectation looming in my future. I am torn between fulfilling my future and fulfilling me.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Chance, and hope
A drink for one is never fun
A sip deadens the pain
She's sick of games and learning names
She puts her black book away
She scans the place for a friendly face
Suddenly everything has changed
He took a chance on romance without knowing her name
So he moved in on a whim
And now her house is their home
She forgets the days of the drunken haze
And waiting by the phone
They lie in bed with nothing said
As she gently falls asleep
He thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet
The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride
It's funny how life can change at the drop of a dime
All it takes is a little faith that everything is fine
So I raise my glass to better times
I'm glad that I didn't miss my chance to see and end to misery
The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride
Doctor and the DJ - Her Space Holiday
A sip deadens the pain
She's sick of games and learning names
She puts her black book away
She scans the place for a friendly face
Suddenly everything has changed
He took a chance on romance without knowing her name
So he moved in on a whim
And now her house is their home
She forgets the days of the drunken haze
And waiting by the phone
They lie in bed with nothing said
As she gently falls asleep
He thinks about how life would be if they didn't meet
The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride
It's funny how life can change at the drop of a dime
All it takes is a little faith that everything is fine
So I raise my glass to better times
I'm glad that I didn't miss my chance to see and end to misery
The doctor and the DJ took it all in stride
I hope she knows that she'll make a beautiful bride
Doctor and the DJ - Her Space Holiday
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
La Petite Mort
Drizzle a tiny stream of hot chocolate over a perfectly risen souffle.
Pierce through the delicate, spongy exterior to excavate a teaspoonful and bring it towards your mouth.
Prepare for the caress of warm, caramel flavoured comfort as the impossibly light custard fills the cavity of your mouth, followed by an almost orgasmic rush of adrenaline as the hotter flow of pure, exhilarating chocolate rolls over your tongue and makes your toes curl and fills you with a desperate need to groan with the waves of pleasure hitting you over and over again. A buzz flows though your veins and you body clenches as sensations build towards a climax but just moments before you release a screamed prayer, an icy mint flavour cuts in to cool off the hot and painful pleasure, slowing down your pounding heart, relief washes over entire body.
The After Eight Souffle by The Chocolate Factory. I could only bear 2 spoonfuls.
Dear God, you have my infinite gratitude for creating the genius and inspiration for such a divine creation.
Pierce through the delicate, spongy exterior to excavate a teaspoonful and bring it towards your mouth.
Prepare for the caress of warm, caramel flavoured comfort as the impossibly light custard fills the cavity of your mouth, followed by an almost orgasmic rush of adrenaline as the hotter flow of pure, exhilarating chocolate rolls over your tongue and makes your toes curl and fills you with a desperate need to groan with the waves of pleasure hitting you over and over again. A buzz flows though your veins and you body clenches as sensations build towards a climax but just moments before you release a screamed prayer, an icy mint flavour cuts in to cool off the hot and painful pleasure, slowing down your pounding heart, relief washes over entire body.
The After Eight Souffle by The Chocolate Factory. I could only bear 2 spoonfuls.
Dear God, you have my infinite gratitude for creating the genius and inspiration for such a divine creation.
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