let's fall asleep and dream away
to a place on a beach in summer
with strawberries and cream in a basket
and iced tea in our hands

lets fly away into the sunset
we wont even stop at twillight
instead we carry on into the darkness
and leave everything behind

and when the sun rises again
we shake our heads and clear our thoughts
the fantasy of mere moments past
dissipate in the air

but come again, it will, the time,
when eyelids droop and hearts soar
our cares slip off like a silky night gown pooled at our feet
revealing the pearlescent essence of us

lift off on the wings of inspiration
beating in time with your heart
follow the winds that carry your deepest desires

let's pretend there are no limits
believe you can have all
and in that moment be happy. content.
just. be.

bones creak
pores leak
a trickling of energy

back aches
joints leaden
with a kind of dread

fingers tremble
feet stumble
the agony creeps up

age is a constant companion
enveloping my body in a blanket of lethargy
in the chilling Fall of Life

I close my eyes
and rest

stop.
breathe.
stop.

Righto.

I've given up on trying for a disciplined daily routine that starts at 9am in the morning and ends with an early night's rest. So I've got an appointment, I am not getting up any earlier than when Jon and Kate starts and when it's time to sleep, I will. And late night reading is gonna be quite fun these couple of nights. I've just picked up a copy of the Esquire, Cuisine and Wine and another very interestingly themed mag. We'll see how it goes.

Cheers to listening to your body!!

I've just finished reading The Time Travellers' Wife. So many things to think about, and so many feelings to .. well, feel.

First baby from the WMF family.. I was stupid enough to not take pics of the pots until I'd finished lunch.. but that's just me innit? haha..

It's a little bit unerving, this life that I lead. When all you see ahead of you is this nothingness.
It quite excites me sometimes, knowing that I have the freedom to pick up anything
that catches my fancy anytime without having to schedule it for 'when I'm free'. It is very liberating after 3 and a half years of putting Life on hold. It just gets a little scary to suddenly realise you have nothing to do.

Its 2009 and still nothing's changed with the outlook. But so what? I like my melons. Don't you?

a leaf out of jenn's blog - this is me

This was the year

This was the year that change would be made.
This was the year that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.
This was the year, that I had great plans for, after crappy 07, that I thought would be remarkable, that change would be made.

This was the year.

And now that year has gone, mostly, nothing's changed much. Feels like I've failed to stick to the plan but always at that moment, sticking to the plan felt like giving up spontanaeity or a great opportunity and I would have failed myself. So what am I supposed to do? To think? There just isn't an answer that won't change in two weeks. What do I feel in my bones and my gut other than the onset of rheumatism and hyperacidity? Have the last 5 years been for nothing?

Perhaps. Repressing the inner bitch - yes, what you've seen this 5 years is repressed. you have no idea what full blown bitchy is - has maybe gained me 2 more friends. Or retained the original 4, depending on how you choose to look at it. And now I'm told not to give diplomatic answers when I take the time to think about things objectively. Like - wtf. You cannot handle my honest, albeit mostly biased, opinion. It will send you flying off that little handle you cling on to so dearly and make me look like the devil which I am. Think you're tough enough? You're not.

But so what. Can I continue to 'be myself' and enjoy wallowing in cynicism for the rest of my isolated existence or do I stick with this pleasant, at times cursing out of frustration but otherwise plebian disposition? I don't even know if either would make me happy. And since when did I not know what makes me happy? And since when did I care what anybody else thought?

For those who feel it sometimes... or want to feel it..

I turn on the tap and run some water
Flick a little switch on the wall
I'm hoping you remember what I taught ya
I'm hoping you remember me at all

I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

I've got a little something on my mind
To keep it to myself isn't really very kind
Pouring out my heart isn't usually my style
But you gave me an inch so I'm gonna take a mile,

You see
I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on

yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah

Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home

- Kettle's On, The Feeling.

nowhere near. nowhere near at all.

These days....

People in love get fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
People in love get scared and stupid
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

BBBBaby I think I'm going CCCCrazy
And why should I be sane without you

They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it
Ill never be the same without you

Never Be lonely

- never be lonely, twelve stops and home, The Feeling

i am drunk, smell the booze
and the puke that's on my shoes
i'm just glad they'er not the jimmy choos
there is nothing in my cupboard that can wake me from my slumber
except maybe be a bottle or two.

when i am drunk, i get crass
i pull jokes out from my ass
they get better from the second glass
if i want to be a singer i'll buy every one 3 tigers
and they'll think, when i sing, i'm the best!

i get drunk with my friends
there are no limits to the cans
just as long as we have the buck to spend
at the kopi tiam or pub, in a restaurant or a club
we get drunk, have so much fun, that's the plan!

Meeting Pauline

The prospect of a meeting with Pauline has always been met with mixed feelings on my part. It's alot like walking by a huge magnifying mirror - you're excited by the new things you'll find out about yourself and at the same time, terrified that you'll see too much. But perhaps a mirror isn't the most accurate comparison. Pauline is more like a super x-ray machine for your soul and every other part of you that comes with it. Imagine, it's been more than 8 months since we last met and the first thing she said to me was "You've changed. Something about you is different. Its not just or the way you look or your hair but the way you carry yourself. Have you g0ne thru something that's quite major?"

That just struck waaaaay too close to home. And that wasn't the end of it. We got round to talking about the DCCSE and the x-ray vision came on again.

"Is that your calling?"

Wah biang. It was really the one question, even more than "how did you decide to do it?", that I'd been struggling with and DID NOT want to want to answer. It's not as if I could anyway. Long story short, I was honest and said no. I'm still waiting for the calling but call-waiting adds to the bills, not pay them so it's an interim activity until, if ever, I get it.

Really, is this another one of the signs? Was this the lesson I've come back to learn? Is it really a sign if you have to decide what it means? What good is an arrow with two heads? It's so frustrating!!

Self Indulgence

Have you experienced, in your life, a moment of pure panic so intense that it is nauseating? Your stomach is churning as you look out the bus window and see the blinding headlights whizz by like all the opportunities you have had the luck to miss. You squint hard, but before you regain your vision you are caught by a debilitating migrane that paralyses your body and slowly begins to choke you as you struggle to breathe. You press your fist against your mouth and swallow at the faint taste of bile at the back of your throat and the beginnings of a familiar tremor courses through your body. You are desperate to reach for the bell but you have no idea where you are. Around you are only shadows of overgrown angsana trees with their gnarly branches reaching for you. As if things couldn't be worse, you see that you had made the disastrous decision to take the first available seat on the bus - the seat in the reverse directi0n. The seat from where you cannot see where you are headed. A barrage of irrational self-doubts exploded in your head - What if the bus that you boarded was not the one that you saw driving into the bus bay? What if the route of the bus has changed since you last took it? Why didn't you double check the bus number before you left the office why didn't you double check the bus number when you boarded? Why didn't-

And your free fall into self-recrimination slams unceremoniously into what is known as the rock bottom of your self-esteem. Behind your tightly shut eyelids you see the face of the passengers on the bus. Faces that you remember so clearly because you had decided to take the seat in the reverse direction - facing the back of the bus. Now every-fucking-one from that sneering brat in the school uniform to the leery old man to the smirking fash-vic duo has witnessed your shameless breakdown in all its pitiful glory. There is no redemption. Your only hope, is a quick - no, instantaneous - death.

WOOO!!! it was a good night except for maybe Kazakhstan. But they played well. Any my back is broke! haha.. feels like it anyway, after moving both my 2 mattresses and wardrobe around within the miniscule space of my bedroom and now I eagerly await my new shelf!! hee I would give myself a huge pat on the back if not for the fact that it feels broke and the arms arent terribly flexible either.

So the room looks like a disaster site, parents are rooting thru the trash that they insist I throw out then claim that I'm wasteful, back is shattered, Chef course has been postponed and I'm taking the brief for an event that'll hopefully come thru and take me to the middle east.

I am strangely excited by Life.

I'm Baaaaaack!!

Hmm.. just realised that a loose 'r' in my title can change things. Maybe it can be McCain's next campaign slogan : I'm Baaaack, Baaaraaaack!

*Disclaimer:I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to the elections and all opinions expressed are ignorant.

EHHH-NIE-WHEYS......

F1 Fever has struck!! Yes! I am an official F1 Groupie. Went to Millenia to catch Nico Rosberg giving away some prize to some dude. He really looked like a princess, no kidding. But he was nice about stopping for autographs and pictures. I think he looked quite bummed that the crowd was so thin.. what were the organisers thinking, really? There were less than 20 people there and he was supposed to have been there for 2.5hrs! *tupid *ing*poreans.

EHN-DEEHHN....

This here groupie played hide-and-seek with the security dudes around the GP Circuit, climbing barriers and all that and took alot of pictures that don't make sense and alot more other pictures that all you living overseas or Singaporeans who can't be arsed to make the trip down can download and claim as pics you took while you were here. All you need is a picture of you standing against a white background. Photoshop rocks.

*Note for users: Please make sure that the outfit you are wearing in the above photos are what you's wear when you go out. Translucent and holey wifebeaters with boxers are NOT suitable AT ALL. Do wear appropriate footwear.

Fine. If that's the way you want it, then that's the way it'll be. I'm not going to bother with the heartache anymore. You are dead to me.

Nada surf

In blizzard of '77
The cars were just lumps on the snow
And then later
Tripping in 7-11
The shelves were stretching out of control
On a plane ride
The more it shakes
The more i have to let go
Now the signals
Still getting all mixed up
We're always doing damage control
But in the middle of the night i worry
It's blurry even without light
I know i have got a negative edge
That's why i sharpen all the others a lot
It's like flowers or ladybugs
Pretty weeds or red beetles with dots
[chorus]
I miss you more than i knew
[repeat]

SATC

And like a lover you thought you've finally been able to let go of, these little desires return and sneakily creep up under your skin. And even as you are it coming, you are unable to stop its advent. And you wonder if you were ever right to let go . And if who you've decided to be is really who you want to be.