It keeps coming back. I'm a bit scared now.

Go away soon, please.

Another Christmas, another year gone by. Although I don't remember making the decision just "go with the flow" in 2012, that somehow became the mantra, in the hope that if no plans were made, there would be no expectations and hence no disappointment. Perhaps I had given up wanting thought I would probably be happier if I resigned myself to acceptance. Perhaps this was growing up.

So for a good part of the year, I relinquished any control I had over work and Life and left it up to the powers that be to do right by me. There were somethings that were overdue that that finally came through and I am thankful for that and when it happened, it almost had me convinced that this was the way to go. After all, it really is a lot of effort to fight this vortex that is Life, that, at its best is a swirling, whirling mess of confusion and at its worst, a violent storm of angst and self-loathing. Is it really natural or even necessary to try and tame such a force of nature? Wouldn't that be ruining The Plan for you?

I think that is the kind of stupid you have to become in order to wise up.

There was no miraculous liberation from expectations. If anything, I had to pin my hopes on everyone else whose hands my future lay in. The constant speculation about what they were thinking about, if they would do anything and what every action or inaction implied and how that reflects what they may or may not think about me was nothing short of despairing. And that sense of helplessness manifested in almost constant moaning and whinging that got on my own nerves so I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for the very people who were deciding my fate. What a wretched way to live.

It's time to get back to being that crazy chick who drives herself right into the eye of the storm because she knows that only the rush of hurricane-speed winds will take her to the dizzying heights that is what makes Life worth living. And making sure that touchdown is at a chilled out beach town in a hut right next to the seafood shack is the zen at the heart of the adventure.

It's time to gear up and go ; )

Dreamed a little dream

Haven't had a fun one for a really long time :) it felt like random friends from the past had dropped in for a visit as we travelled to a place with an incredible night sky. It is close to a new year celebration and we were out looking at constellations and a beautiful moon that looked so large and full you could reach out and touch it.

The party would be held in an exquisite penthouse suite where we waited for the entry of a Mercedes but that never happened. Instead we joined a recognition ceremony where a close friend was the Vanna White and some Chinese VIPs were presenting awards.

Everyone was excited and, needless to say, it was winter so I was most happy.

Wish I could give everyone a hug!

Head jam

Congestion along all major thought highways with possible breakdown on Logic Avenue.

I have never had to work for anything in my life. I have not earned any of this and I have never tried for anything for fear that I will not be enough. I am blessed and ruined. This is a mediocre and pointless existence. I cannot make myself live for others' expectations of me and I have no expectations of myself. There is no point to this. Shit. Fuck. Damn.

Week 1

Actually, more like the start of week 2.

Not very haps at all. Couldn't even start the year til 4th Jan but it did get better after that. Still, I've managed to make most of my meals at work and go home early a couple of days so it wasn't a complete disaster either.

Coming up for week 2 -

1) Site inspection to Bali - need to do up a proper checklist for that. Looking forward to the travel too! Maybe I'll start packing since I'm not going to fall asleep anytime soon.. Tomorrow is going to be ruined already.

2) Only 2 days of meals in the office so I've decided to save on groceries. Maybe I'll rustle up some left overs from the fridge...

3) Argentina - Return flights are still $2154 so I'll prolly hold off and wait for NATAS to come around.. Have also worked out the budgets and the bomb is becoming a nuclear freakin' warhead. Sigh. Why do I have to be so ambitious?

Going down the same damn toilet hole again. Am I going to waste another year of my life?

I have done everything you asked me to do. Been so careful to contain the parts of me that you didn't like and now you're punishing me for not doing the things you asked me to stop doing. And now I suck because I'm such a pushover. Bent over now, please feel free to fuck me over and I hope you have fun.

How did I let myself become like this?

What am I going back to after this?

Maybe Tomorrow ~ stereophonics

I've been down
And I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
oh me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I didn't know him, but he knew me. So well that he knew what I wanted, what I needed, who I was, and he showed it to me.

RIP Steve Jobs.

What does this project mean to me?

It is creating an experience of Singapore for our guests. It is enabling a sense of family to permeate through all the activities and to celebrate it at the end.

It is not mere logistics.

I will put me back into this.

Going to sleep.

Sometimes, all you need is a small glimpse of peace just before closing your eyes to trick your mind into forgetting the turmoil of the day and sleep comes easy.

This past week showed me that I had alot to be thankful for in my life. For starters, I have a grandmother who is enjoying herself and hangs out with us all the time. I'd never been very close to her but we connect at some level and I feel like we have a relationship that goes beyond bloo. On that same note, I have an extended family that loves eating out together any time without needing the excuse for some occassion before we would meet up. I have long envied the scenes of large families feasting and enjoying each other's company that we see on travel programmes all the time and now I feel like I have that in my family too.

At work, in spite of a serious lack of motivation to get work done, I was given the opportunity to co-ordinate the putting together of a pitch and somewhere along the way, was provoked to start a conversation about where I thought the company should be, which led on to a very quick, intense immersion in intrapreneurship, innovation, presentation and alot of youtube videos of Guy Kawasaki. I must say, it feels hella good to be in a place where you're surrounded by people who share your views and willing to change things up; thoughts and ideas and people who inspire you to do what you believe is right and good; and the most amazing is to be in a team that is with you - not that they are always in agreement with you, but actively contribute to the project be it through descension or suppport. It has been a brilliant week at work. Absolutely. Every work week should be like this.

Finally, the weekend, of which there is another half to look forward to. Granted, it has been extremely indulgent, from great big meals to copious amounts of alcohol and let-loose dancing which resulted in needing the hangover remedy called retail-therapy. During sale season. I have rarely been more wasted, tired or broke - or this satisfied with a weekend.

The powers that be have really come together to set up this week with zero motivation, neediness and crankiness this time of the month, primed with the right cravings and wanting things that have led to this extremely gratifying climax. I am immensely thankful for everyone who has been part of this with me and hope that when you need it, you'll get a perfect week like this too.

To y'all

That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My

-F.Sinatra

There is a machine.

When you're wound up, pushed into a corner, preparing for battle
it conjures a lush, serene forest and lulls you into peace

When you're overexcited and overreacting
it brings a soothing sea breeze that carries the scent of the ocean and calm swish of waves

When you're in a bad way,
it envelopes you in a comforting warmth like a thick flannel blanket and a cup of tea

There is a machine. It is a melancholytron.

How many times have you wanted to tell somebody this?

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Verse 1
Word on the street, you got somethin' to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I'm intrigued, for a peek, Heard it's fascinating
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath

Words up your sleeve
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it's beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a vote

Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see ya


Verse 2
Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
brake me off, if you bad, show me how's the boss
need some goose, to get loose, come on take a shot

Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath


[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/peacock-lyrics-katy-perry.html ]

Pre-Chorus
I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

oh my good no exaggeration
boy all this time was worth the waiting
i just shed a tear
i'm so unprepared
you got the finest architecture
end of the rainbow looking treasure
such a sight to see
and this all for me

Chorus
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
what you're hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
what you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful
Come on baby let me see

I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
I wanna see ya
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock
I wanna see ya

Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin' underneath

Thank you Katy Perry.

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

- Death Cab for Cutie

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now


Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

Dream.

You came to visit, you said you "just had to". Then we ran away, on a journey, and I realized that I loved you.

Dream.